"A woman's got to know her limitations" #1: Rocks in a Jar

"A woman's got to know her limitations" is a series I'm starting.  Do I sound like Clint Eastwood?  I hope not.  Anyway, I've been thinking about constraints for several weeks, and decided to comment on the current limits in my life.

Limitation #1: TIME

To quote Jim Croce..."If I could put time in a bottle..." well, more of that later, but right now I just want to put some of our Moonstone Beach rocks in a jar...

Empty jar and collected stones

They don't fit...RATS!

OK...let's get organized.

SUCCESS!
"What's my secret?" you ask?
You must load the jar in descending order.  If you start with the small pebbles there will inevitably be no room for the larger stones.  First load the big ones then finish with the little ones.

When Gary was first diagnosed with A.D. his Dr. gave me a book for caregivers called The 36 Hour Day.  I would LOVE to have a 36 hour day and the appropriate amount of energy too because this is a busy season of life for me.  (I'll spare you the details, because many of you are in busy seasons as well, and I'm sure you understand.)  There used to be a time when Gary would help me sort it all out, being very logical, and would help me decide what tasks were most important.  Now he rarely speaks so I have to rely on what I think he would say.  I'm sure he'd tell me to do the most important things first, so they would be sure to get done, and let the less important things sort themselves out.

I never get everything done that I want to, and never will, but I'm comforted by the fact that there is always enough time to do the things God wants me to do.  I want to spend the 24 hours He has given me making a priority of the things God considers most important.

"Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you." Matthew 6:33 


"Go to the ant, O sluggard, observe her ways and be wise, which having no chief, officer or ruler, prepares her food in the summer and gathers her provision in the harvest." Prov. 6:6-8
And now...for something completely different:   
I'm smiling just thinking about it...

Merry Christmas Gary!

Gary is a man who works with his hands.  He enjoys holding and grasping things.  He loves to keep his hands moving, working, exploring.  Gadgets, pliers, key rings, and, increasingly, fabrics.  He has always appreciated nice textures.  I remember walking through department stores with him, and how he would feel the soft fabrics hanging on the racks.

These days, it seems his fingers are covered with velcro.  If he is near a towel bar, he clings to the towel.  If you are helping him dress, he clutches the t-shirt, jacket, or sweater.   I believe he feels secure when holding on to something.  Then he eventually starts manipulating it and seeing how it feels.  He'll pick up the kitchen towel and "pleat" it or fold it, watching how it lays against itself.  If you try to remove it, that's when the clutching begins. I wanted to find him a small "therapeutic" texture quilt so he would have something to hang on to, or enjoy while sitting.  

You can find plenty of  "tactile" things for little babies, but they are juvenile looking.  Many "therapeutic" items are feminine or too complex, etc.  SO I decided to make a unique little quilt specifically for Gary.  It was his Christmas present.  With Alzheimer's Disease, you never know how something is going to be received, but I couldn't have been happier with his response. 

I hope this quilt can be adapted for other A.D. patients, and maybe the close up photos can give a better idea of what I did.  I just kind of made it up, so there's no pattern, but basically I bought the minimum (6") strips of fabric, and I bought them all off the clearance table at Joanne's.  I chose a slightly heavier backing fabric, that had several colors, which I used for the color choices.  I tried to include as many different textures as I could.



Some of the seams have a separate fold sewn in so he can feel the "edge".  The width of each strip is 2" with 1/2" seams.  The over all size is a 26" square.  The boarder is the backing material.  I would recommend using similar weight fabrics, and I think it will need to be dry cleaned, because I am certain all the fabrics do not have the same washing instructions.  When done, I top-stitched around the edge of the border where it joins the strips.  The whole thing cost about $10. 

A Must Read for Caregivers

Ken and Joni Eareckson Tada
I know it's a very busy time of year, but if you are a Caregiver, or know someone who is, please don't miss this article from Ken Tada.  He has been married to Joni, a beautiful and talented, woman who has been a quadriplegic for 30 years, and his take on commitment, and serving a dependent spouse is fantastic.  This article is straightforward, humble, personal, encouraging, You will be blessed, and challenged. I'm going to include it in my Alz. Resources section as one of my favorites!

Click this link for the article: Caregiving: A Cause for Christ

Click this link for "Joni & Friends" ministry:  http://www.joniandfriends.org/

Be Careful Little Eyes What You See

Gary with Sarah
I know this is nearly impossible, but:
WHAT IF our children never heard a swear word?
WHAT IF they never saw anything scarey?
WHAT IF they never saw or heard about marital infidelity, or promiscuity?
WHAT IF they never ... (you fill in the blank)

WHAT IF this were true for their whole lives?
WHAT IF they learned from a young age to turn their eyes away from evil and habitually guarded their lips from speaking sinfully?
WHAT IF they could live in a bubble of truth?

Not completely possible I know, BUT IF one day, after many, many years of living in a sinful world, they were to develop Alzheimer's Disease or some other form of dementia, in which the brain's wiring is "crossed" and the neurons are not firing correctly, THEN perhaps there would be LESS frightening images for them, LESS violent responses, LESS profanity, confusion about spousal faithfulness, and accusations about such.

I'm no doctor, and I am NOT casting judgement on anyone who does exhibit these changes in personality/behavior due to their dementia.  It is not their fault.  Before the disease, they WERE able to control their thoughts,  and keep them in the right "category" in their mind prior to their illness.  They WERE able to control their speech and actions.

BUT I'm just thinking as a parent, what would I want to do to help my child, who will one day grow up, live their life, and possibly have dementia one day, to keep their mind saturated with truth, not error.  There are many things on TV, Movies, Music, Video Games, and even gossip, that we must be discerning about.  Just being able to "categorize" it as sin, may not be enough.  Let's do what we can to keep the mind pure, so that if it is attacked with confusion one day, there is less ugliness stored there which can become the material for a horrid existence as well as spill out on others. 

IMPORTANT COMMENTS:
1. For some reason, up to this point, this hasn't been a problem for Gary, even though, prior to his salvation, he had seen much of the "worldliness" I am talking about.  But we know of many who do love Jesus, and who have spent their lives serving him, who, because of their dementia, have had a difficult time with personality and behavior changes.  AGAIN, I am making NO judgment on them whatsoever.  I am only wanting to motivate parents to help their children filter what goes into their mind in the first place.

2. As Christians in a fallen world, we will need to occasionally look evil in the face, for example counseling someone overtaken in a sin, or in defending and protecting the innocent, etc.  There are times when it is unavoidable, but we are cautioned, even then, to be on guard.  Galatians 6:1

"I will set no worthless thing before my eyes; I hate the work of those who fall away; It shall not fasten it's grip on me.  A perverse heart shall depart from me; I will know no evil." Psalm 101:3-4

Enduring Love

This morning, I had been invited to share our "story" with a ladies bible study at a nearby church.  They had been studying "Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things." from 1 Corinthians 13:7.  In particular they asked me to talk about how to love tenaciously, with endurance, as an illustration of "enduring love."  To prepare for my part of the morning, I studied the same passages the ladies had been studying.  I found the study to be challenging and convicting to my own soul as well.  Here's why.

During the teaching time, I learned that this verse, "enduring" is a military term that means to "hold the position at all costs."  This takes courage.  I confess, I do not always feel courageous.  We were asked to choose an example from Scripture who exemplified enduring love.  The obvious choice is Jesus Christ. 
  • John 3:16 - This love gave the most precious possession, God's beloved son for me.
  • Romans 5:8 - This love sacrificed (to the maximum) for undeserving me.
  • Romans 8:35, 38-39 - This love perseveres and is secure through great difficulties and can NOT be removed from me.
  • Ephesians 3:17-19 - This love surpasses knowledge and completes me.  It roots and grounds me. 
We were asked to think about loving someone who we used to be close to that is now difficult to love. Gary is not a “difficult” person to love.  Unlike some with Alz. Disease, he is not angry, or upset, or awake all night, etc. But he IS silent, and completely dependent on others for all “activities of daily living.”  He may speak only a few times in a week, and it isn’t always easy to understand what he is trying to say.  Sometimes it is challenging to love with endurance.  It's true for all of us.  It doesn't matter what the cause of the difficulty is.  It can be a wayward child, or unkind spouse, or someone who is the source of great pain.  The reasons may be different, but there are several things that may be universally true for everyone....
  • When love is not reciprocated and there’s "nothing in it for me." 
  • When there’s no feedback or encouragement to keep going.
  • When there’s no end in sight.
  • When I'm exhausted.
  • When prevented from doing what "I" want
  • When Spiritually dry.
So, how DO you love with endurance?  Well, as I said, I was convicted by Jesus' example.  I often fall short. But lately I've been learning 3 things:
  • I have to ask God to strengthen me – to understand and know His love – to love others and glorify Him (Ephesians 3:14-21) When I am facing a "giant" of a difficulty, if I try to operate in the flesh, then I respond in the flesh when things don’t work out MY way.  The solution is NOT in my ability to muster up the energy, or reorganize, or plan ahead, or anything I come up with.  Only by really learning and knowing Jesus' love better, am I able to love Gary.  
  • I have to ask others for help.  It’s impossible to do it all myself.  When I try to, I get exhausted, anxious and overwhelmed.  I struggle with wanting to be in control of how to care for Gary, and now that he is needing so much more physical care, some of which I am unable to do, so I must entrust him to others.  This is hard for me, but I see it as God graciously helping me to release him in stages.  I can love Gary best by letting others help.
  •   I have to remember that Gary is still Gary.  He has a soul that is alive and well and God is continuing to grow him.  He has emotions that feel.  I try to maintain our relationship and respect for him by spending quality time together and sharing my life with him regardless of his lack of responses. This includes asking for his forgiveness if I become impatient, and trying to make decisions in the way he would want. And sometimes, though not often, I still get a look or a touch that lets me know he loves me.
What practical things I do we do to show our love to others?  For us, beyond the daily care...well these are always fun to share.  Here's a few...
  • Photo memory books (see blog post called "No time for perfection" 
  • Bible verses on 3 X 5 cards (I write out a simple portion of a verse being preached on in church for Gary to hold and read.  I use a sharie pen and write big.  I do the same thing with songs, writing out a phrase or two.  very simple, and big)
  • Going for a drive through the mountains, or a stroll through Descanso (Botanical) Gardens, or walk around Bridgeport Lake, or a pastry at Panera Bread.
What struck me, while sharing this morning, as I looked around the room at the ladies, was the fact that everyone there, seemed to be relating, not necessarily to the Alzheimer's disease, but their OWN situations, and the people in their lives that require an ongoing strong love, in the face of difficulty, no matter the cause.  May we all look to Jesus, and beg for strength, never forgetting that He understands our weakness and wants to empower us "according to His great riches in glory." (Eph 3)

No Time For Perfection

I'm up to my eyeballs in a BIG project, and here's how it started:  I have often needed to put my hands on a photo, to remind Gary of an old friend, or event that I'm referring to.  Not TOO tough for the more recent years because of photo albums, but for the first 10 years (or so) of our marriage we shot only slide film.  Great for family picture nights, but now, setting up the projector, and finding the right image, would take so long that the thought would be lost, so I figured having them on a disc would be much quicker. With one disc per year, and the different events in separate folders, I can locate a photo MUCH quicker.  

Once I decided to do this, I thought, how about getting some of these great memories into simple photo albums that Gary can enjoy any time.  SO, thanks to Shutterfly.com, I am ordering 8" X 8" Photo Books.  I'm done with the first 3 years, 1977 is in the mail, and 1978 is almost ordered. 


I been reliving some fantastic memories of babies, vacations, friends, home improvements, and family times.  It takes FOREVER to organize the slides into groups, and get them scanned, BUT it is worth it.  Then creating and captioning the book in a way that is simple and easy to read for Gary is icing on the cake.  When the first one arrived in the mail box, (1974, the year we dated and married), it was like Christmas in my heart.  When your loved one has lost so much memory and the long term memories last the longest, the prospect of sharing some of them in a way that he will understand is so exciting.  So often I will hand Gary a book to look at, or a magazine and he seems disinterested, so I didn't know what to expect when I laid the Memory Book in his lap and began turning the pages.  He picked it up and really looked at each page.  I am SURE he was understanding.  We were sharing some special times again.  Me talking about them, and Gary looking at the photos.  I know he still reads short sentences, or phrases, so I purposely made the captions simple.  I sent one with him to the Adult Day Health Care program he goes to so the health care workers could know him better.  They loved the book and being able to talk to him about his life.  I plan to send the other books from time to time as well.  When "1976" arrived and I showed it to him, page by page  he said, "That's comforting."  That was the only thing he said to me that day that made sense, but it was enough.

Now for a big lesson I've learned, and a link to a good book.  I need to give a bit of background so you'll understand the impact this little book had on my life.  I actually LOVE to organize things.  Even though my desk doesn't show it, I like things in their proper order.  One of the reasons my desk has stacks is that each stack needs to be dealt with, and filed, and I still haven't completed the file relabeling project I started last year.  That is because I want it to be "just right."  That's a problem I have.  Sometimes I don't get things done, because I want to do them "perfectly" so I sacrifice excellence and order in the meantime.  I tend to over organize, and plan, plan, plan, and not get to the DOING.  Furthermore, when it comes to a final product that has anything to do with "photos" or "art" I want it to look GOOD.  Well, when it comes to Gary's memory, I believe that "time is of the essence."

The Lord introduced me to this insightful book, at just the right time.  It is a short, easy read with wonderful principles that any woman would benefit from.  I HIGHLY recommend it.  It helped me let go of my idol of Perfectionism, and put together some little books, that may get torn, finger printed, food stained, and have photos that are less than perfect, or may be missing some of the prettier scenes.

The author sheds light on common idols that we can be tempted to worship.  Perfectionism, Busyness, Possessions, and Leisure.  You will see yourself in this book.  It really helped me out at a time I needed it.  I hope it helps you too.  It is called The Organized Heart-A Woman's Guide to Conquering Chaos by Staci Eastin

I got mine on Amazon.com but I think you can buy 6 copies for a good discount direct from the publisher:  http://CruciformPress.com

If you would like to, please leave a comment in the "Post a Comment" section.
Thanks!

Agape Love

We go to a large church, but that doesn't hinder love.  On Sunday morning, while seated in our Fellowship Group, several men came to Gary and greeted him with a kind touch.  There would be no handshake or eye contact from him.  No visible sign that he even noticed.  These men received nothing in return, and in fact risked looking and feeling a little silly.  "Hi Gary, it's great to see you today!"  "Hey, Mr. Price, Good Morning to you!" Some of these guys are in our smaller group Bible Study, and have spent some time around us.  Some are new friends that we have met since the dementia, so they fall in to the short term memory loss time period.  A couple of them have known us for a long, long time, and remember Gary from before, a clever guy, who loved Escatology, and always had a practical joke up his sleeve.  In fact, one of these guys used to meet with Gary for discipleship.  Now, when Gary looks at them, if he does, it's not clear if he recognizes them or not. But it doesn't matter how long we have known people, the body of Christ, reaches out to us.  A new friend offered to come visit Gary last week, and ended up looking at photo albums with him.  Gary was more interested in how the album opened and closed (a 3 ring binder) than reviewing the photos, but our friend sat with him to give companionship for an hour while I had an appointment.  Another friend spends time with Gary during our monthly A.D. ministry meeting at the church.  This Saturday he took him for a walk, with his arm around Gary for support, talked about the things they saw, chatting and joking away, while Gary said nothing.  Gary may or may not be understanding, but he is hearing a man's voice, and spending time with men.  It is awkward to talk to someone who does not respond, but these men, who love Jesus, love Gary because Jesus loved them first.  They are offering a cup of cold water in Jesus' name to "the least of these".  I have never been so grateful!

The Screwdriver


His big strong hands are smaller now yet he holds his tools correctly, most of the time, and even handles them the right way.  What has changed is their intended purpose.  Nathan, a friend, recently made Gary a “project board” with a variety of Phillips-head screws partly screwed in, so today, when I handed him the screwdriver, he began working on getting them all the way in.  He enjoys holding his favorite hand tools.  They went back and forth from his right hand to his tool belt countless times a day for an entire career.  In the “old days,” he didn’t need to look to see where the duckbill pliers or the wire strippers were.  He could reach down, like a gunfighter, and grab them as needed.  Now, standing at the kitchen counter, with his wooden project board of screws, he is content and has been for 45 minutes.  The goal is very short.  Turn the screw. 

One of the 4 parts of human thinking, is “Executive Function.”  This is what it sounds like, the ability to plan, make decisions, sort, and multi-task.  Someone with A.D. may have this part extremely inhibited, as does Gary.  Therefore, he is easily distracted from the task of “turning the screws” and, still using the screwdriver, may decide to twist it rapidly, like a drill, making a small hole in the tile, or using the defrosting sausage package, pry off the paper label then press it (the label) on the project board, weaving the strip of paper amongst the half installed screws.  He even may poke with the screwdriver into the partly thawed sausage.  In the last 45 minutes, Gary has done all of these things.  His heart is happy.  He is not frustrated, or “missing out” on what he wished he could do.  He has no “wishes, or “longings,” that I can tell.  He is enjoying handling and using his old friend, the Phillips head screwdriver.

One of the things I had to get over, and am still trying to get over, during this adventure of the last few years, was the wishing and hoping that Gary could do satisfying little projects.  You know, things that you’d give the grandkids at Christmas, like a simple craft you could buy at Michaels.  But, if he enjoys hearing the sound of the tip of the screwdriver tap repeatedly on the edge of his piece of wood, or the sausage package, or the tile, for that matter, and God has allowed him to retain the ability to be pleased with the process, however simplified that is, then I need to be at peace with that. (at least I am today)

One of my favorite books on the topic, says dementia patients don’t lose their own dignity, rather, others take it from them.  I love and respect my husband, so I write these things to say Gary is an amazing man.  He has done and IS doing amazing things.  God gave Gary the ability to use tools to create some incredible things.  He LOVED working hard on some new “idea.”  Right now, he is LOVING removing the screws from the little piece of wood.  As Job said, “The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.”  James wrote: “Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow.”  Gary’s mind, was given to him by God.  Now it is being taken away.  But look how kind and gracious God is.  We live in a fallen world, where every one of us is mortal and will die of something.  Yet, for now, He has allowed my dear husband to work diligently with his tool for over an hour.  An hour well spent.  I believe that this is pleasing to God, who loves Gary far more than I ever could and has great plans for him. 

EnCOURAGment

We have a fairly new Alzheimer's Ministry group at Grace Church.  We are several families with a parent or spouse with A.D. and others who want to help us.  Our Special Ministries pastor, Ric McLean heads it up.   This morning, at our monthly meeting, it was great to see how the group is beginning to encourage each other.  I was reminded of 2 Corinthians 1:4.  God, "comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."  I've been thinking about Romans 8:28 too.  "...God causes ALL THINGS to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."  Sin became part of our world in the Garden.  If I were there at the time, I would have fallen just like Adam and Eve.  So the resulting death, disease, loss, labor, difficulty, pain, sorrow, etc, etc, is here in every generation since the beginning.  But they are not wasted.  All these things cause suffering true, BUT are included in the "ALL THINGS" God is using in our lives, for GOOD.  One of those good things is the comfort we experience as we are encouraged, and comforted by others who have gone before us or are right along side us.  Pastor Ric reminded us of some of the ways God uses suffering in the lives of his children.  The fact that suffering is very short in light of eternity, and a tool in the hand of God to mold Gary and I, is encouraging.  That thought gives me COURAGE!  The group is bonding in a way that will be invaluable and we're so blessed to be a part.

Trouble

“Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You will revive me: You will stretch forth Your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and Your right hand will save me."   When it seems like there are more "bad" than "good" days in the course of a week, like THIS week, I begin to wonder if we're reaching a new stage in the progression of Gary's disease.  During these times I am tempted by the Enemy of our souls to give in to despair, frustration, control, self pity, and more.  He is, after all, "prowling around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour."  I'm sure that anyone who has been close to someone with a progressive disease that has no cure, experiences this same kind of "trouble."  The kind of trouble that you just have to accept, because you can't change it.  Last summer, we reached one of these new "stages" and at that time, I gave myself over to self pity, and the rest of it for many days.  I am so thankful for the Lord's kindness to yank me out of that thinking back to His side, where I was revived and saturated with His wonderful promises to "accomplish what concerns me."  I hate when I'm tempted to go down that road again, and by God's grace, this week, He has reminded me, again, of His completely kind hands which made both Gary and I and will do what's best. 

"Your lovingkindness, O LORD is everlasting; Do not forsake the works of Your hands." Psalms 138:7-8

Revived, and ready for another one...let's see what tomorrow has in store.

New Alzheimer's Page

Just a quick post this time to let you know that I added a page to my blog about Alzheimer's.  I will be accumulating information that has been helpful for us, so if you know anyone whose family is touched with this disease, please feel free to pass on the link to my blog.  www.ihavebeenyoung.blogspot.com 

Colors

32 years ago Gary and I created this stained glass window for our kitchen.  It was a very fun project that led to a cottage industry, designing and crafting custom stained glass for 12 years.  So much has happened since then. To quote Karen Carpenter, “We’d only just begun…” Recently, I’ve been able to get “artsy” again, with watercolor illustrations.  I call them “Colors By Laurie.”  I have been mulling over the idea that my life is colorful too, not unlike a stained glass window.  

I have experienced the light and bright joys, as well as the “dark” events that everyone dreads.  My greatest earthly happiness is my husband.  He and I have partnered together to face life and that has made for some wonderful memories.  The fun of watching a thunderstorm from our bedroom with the girls with the French doors wide open, “batting practice” at Lake Powell, the Murder Mystery Parties, transitioning our daughters into the hands of the men they said “Yes” to, of course all the grandkiddos, and the endless practical jokes and movie quotes.  All of these have been peppered with hard times as well, and now, in the last decade I’ve had a bout with Stage 3 Breast Cancer, and a few years ago, Gary was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s Disease.  We have the privilege of walking together through the “for worse” part just like the “for better” part, and though no one knows the future, I have a pretty good idea of what’s likely. 

Our world could be monochromatic, but it’s NOT!  I’m thankful for the variety of colors, darks, lights, textures, mass, shapes, and lines.  I’m not meaning to sound like an art class, (nod to Mr. DeGrassi) but it’s true!  Look around.  Our world is FULL of visual variety.  That’s what makes it interesting, from the clear, aqua waters of Florida, to the vivid orange sunsets over the rugged, massive Rocky Mts.  Why did God make the world that way?  Artist’s prerogative.  He does whatever He pleases, and it pleased Him to make the world beautiful, and then, give us minds that appreciate it!

Look too long at any element, without stepping back to see the whole, and you’ll not see the story the artist intends.  For optimal viewing, wait until completed.  God made the universe very quickly, but we are in process.  One day, we will be as He plans, Gary will have a renewed mind, able to comprehend his Creator perfectly.  I will no longer be distracted by the ups and downs of life, and completely joyful and at peace forever.  “Behold I am making all things new.” Revelation 21:5  For this reason, I refuse to give in to self-pity or sorrow.  I don’t deny that emotions are very real, but there are far reaching benefits to the dark times and I choose glean what I can from them. 

If a stained glass window is all one color, it can be a nice geometric design, and that’s great, but it won’t tell a story.  It needs shapes that mean something to the viewer, line so the eye can cruise around the entire composition, texture for interest, and those dark areas of contrast that make the colors stand out beautifully.   People are creative, because they are created in the image of God.  God is creating a beautiful thing in the lives of His people. “Look among the nations!  Observe!  Be astonished!  Wonder!  Because I am doing something in your days—You would not believe if you were told.” Habakkuk 1:5


For a blast from the past...Here's a Keith Green song I love on the same topic.  Jon, this one's for you!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SNoYNlvpcek&feature=related