Grasping at Straws

The months are marching on.  Gary is sleeping through them.  He wakes a few times a day, and I tend to his physical needs.  His senses and strength are minimized to almost nothing.  I wonder that he is still living.  But he is living, and the other day, I cried just at the thought of him not being here.  I must confess mixed emotions and am not sure how to pace my life and thoughts, hoping that God will take him home to heaven where he can have a perfect mind, but joyful that he is still my earthly companion.    I’m so grateful that I’m not the one to decide Gary’s ultimate, and final departure from our marriage and this life.  I leave that to his Creator.

Connecting

Meanwhile, I still love him, and am finding joy in the littlest things.  Years ago I was the typical wife, full of expectations.  If Gary didn’t give me the attention I wanted, I was tempted to complain.  Things are different now.  Because those more obvious acts of love are missing, I am learning to appreciate more subtle “connections.” 

2006 - Gary shares his ice cream with grandson, Micah. 

When Gary's eyes open, sometimes for as long as 30 seconds, I spring into action, to get in front of his gaze hoping for a look of recognition, or I place one of his orchids on his tray table in front of him.  The funny thing is, by the time I have the plant in place, he’s asleep again, but I like to try anyway.   

Occasionally I give him his favorite…Coffee ice cream.  Only a few bites, but I think he still likes it based on how he eagerly takes it off the spoon.  It makes me smile because it reminds me of his nightly ritual bowl of ice cream for many, many years. 

Commentary on Romans by H. Ironside

When he makes a monotone, humming sound I try to discern if he needs something, or is trying to sing, or speak.  I ask him to tell me more, and find myself praying that I will understand if I need to. 

I come across an underline in a book he’s read.  I read it to see what was important to him.  What did he want to remember?  It helps me continue to follow his lead, even now.

In past years, we talked and laughed and loved.  Currently our interactions are few and far between as I grasp at the straws of what’s left of Gary’s abilities.  I don’t have too many regrets over the years,  but it's good to remember that we can always be more appreciative and encouraging in our relationships.  I share these little incidents with you in the hopes that you will make the most of every opportunity to love your spouse, (or anyone in your life).  We are not promised next year or even tomorrow.  Don’t waste the time you’ve been given with your loved one.  

Redeem the Time

"Since you have in obedience to the truth purified your souls for a sincere love of the brethren, fervently love one another from the heart, for you have been born again not of seed which is perishable but imperishable, that is , through the living and enduring word of God.  For, ALL FLESH IS LIKE GRASS, AND ALL ITS GLORY LIKE THE FLOWER OF THE GRASS.  THE GRASS WITHERS, AND THE FLOWER FALLS OFF, BUT THE WORD OF THE LORD ENDURES FOREVER."  (1 Peter 1:22-25)

What Is Going On In There?

I wish I could see into Gary's brain sometimes to see what is going on in there.  How many of the normal brain cells are left?  What does he think?  DOES he think?  What does he perceive?  Is it just images and sounds that mean nothing?  I'm sure there is something going on, because he tries to wipe his mouth or itch his nose, but his arm is too weak to reach all the way.  He looks right at me, occasionally, but I can't tell if he knows me.  He still eats so I know his brain is still causing him to respond to food in his mouth.  So anyway, I really like this 3 minute animated video describing what happens to a person's brain when they have Alzheimer's Disease.  I have watched Gary progress through nearly all of these stages.  I'm not real good with clinical explanations, and that's why I like this.  Many of you know someone with Alzheimer's so I hope it is helpful for you too. 

This devastating illness separates loved ones with an invisible wall,  yet I am confident that Gary is not alone.  There is One that knows exactly what is happening deep in Gary's brain, and He will love him to the end.  Gary's Savior, Jesus Christ is not on vacation or asleep and even though Gary's mind is being taken over by the disease, he is being loved and cared for, by his Lord, just like King David.

"O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O Lord, You know it all.
You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it.

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
When I awake, I am still with You."  Psalm 139

Gift Idea for Young Collectors

Here's a fun gift idea for kids.   Our granddaughter has loved horses for a really long time.  She collects pictures of them.  SOOOOO... Choose a colorful 2" binder (Bright pink's her favorite color.)  Get the kind with the clear sleeves on the cover.  This was at Target for @$4.50. 

I think the "D" ring type is the best so the pages lay flat and don't get messed up.

Find some dividers.  I already had these "like new" extras on hand (because I never throw anything away)    but I saw some on Amazon for about $1.00.

OPTIONAL:  Clear sheet protectors are about 10 cents each on Amazon.com if you want to use them.  (I LOVE them and use them for everything, so I buy them in bulk at Costco.  Weird, I know.)

Gather some photos or magazine clippings of whatever will be collected in the album... Kitties, airplanes, trains, whatever they love.  (I went through a box of old photos my parents had taken in Montana.)  Take a sheet protector and cut it in to two pieces.  Get rid of the part with the holes.  Use double-stick tape to place the pictures on one of the sheets and then slide it into the cover. 

You can do the back side too.  (If you don't care about the color of the cover not showing, then tape them to any blank piece of paper and slide it in.)

Make a title page.  Find a picture to use, get some colored paper for a "frame."  Print a sheet of paper with a cool font.  Tape the photo to the colored paper, and the paper to the white page.               

Insert and you're done!

I love my sweet Lauren Girl and I love that sometimes there's time to make a gift. 

Book Review of "Second Forgetting"

May 2010

When we realized that my husband, Gary, was having short-term memory problems, and began the process of diagnosing his condition, we hoped it was something curable, like a thyroid imbalance, or B-12 deficiency.  As the many tests eliminated the more “hopeful” possibilities, there was a recurring and frightful thought.  “I hope it’s not Alzheimer’s.”  I think more people are afraid of getting dementia, than cancer. 

Why is that?

Our memories define us.   Think how many songs refer to our memories.  We take selfies in front of the Grand Canyon.  Love letters are tucked away in a box.  The idea of forgetting what we have done and who we are is terrifying.  For a Christian, the possibility of forgetting God, and our relationship with Him is unthinkable.

Dr. Benjamin Mast has presented a comforting answer to these fears in his book, Second Forgetting.  As a licensed clinical psychologist and committed Christian, he gives hope for those who are forgetting and those who care for them.  After 8 ½ years of caring for Gary, who is now in advanced stage Early Onset Alzheimer’s Disease, I found this book EXTREMELY helpful. 

"Second Forgetting" by Dr. Benjamin Mast

Dr. Mast explains The Second Forgetting as follows:   “We are all imperfect and broken.  We forget the Lord, even in the best of health.  This is what I call the “the second forgetting.” p 18.  Everyone forgets God.  Even believers do.  That is why we need reminders.  Dr. Mast sites the Israelites who forgot God repeatedly yet God never forgot them and kept His promises to them.  This is comforting.

Two chapters are devoted to understanding Alzheimer’s disease and how the brain remembers.  Knowing the various ways to access memories stored away in a person’s brain is really useful in helping those we care for.  The distant past, actions, emotional events are memory systems that are accessible longer than the short-term memories which is one of the first “memory systems” to fail. 

The most helpful part for me personally was the section on the Gospel, who a person is in Christ, and how God interacts with believers, whether their minds are healthy or not.  As Gary is mostly non-communicative now, I have been wondering how his inner man can be renewed, though his body is decaying day by day. (2 Corinthians 4:16-17)  I believe it is true, but wondering HOW.  By working his way through Psalm 139 and Romans 8, Dr. Mast draws out how God intimately cares for His own.  He fully KNOWS us.  He extends GRACE to us.  Nothing can separate us from God.  Not even dementia. 

There are some great practical ideas in this book for all of us.

Help for the “forgetful”

The body of Christ has an important role in serving dementia affected families. Practical tips are given for how to serve.  For instance, “Visit, but be flexible.  Caregiving for someone with advancing dementia can be quite unpredictable.  Something could come up that is out of their control and they may need to cancel.” p 119

Help for caregivers

Biblical encouragement to “press on,” follow Christ’s example of service, and rely heavily on His grace in the exhausting days.  In reality we are serving the Lord Jesus, as we serve our loved one.  “As a caregiver, you can take comfort in the knowledge that you too have a caregiver, one who can surpassingly meet all of your needs.  Christ is our caregiver.” P 90

Helping the loved one…

Remember their faith

“… multisensory stimuli can be used to help them remember.  Smells, sounds, sights can prompt recollection of different parts of a person’s story.  Pictures and music can be particularly helpful…”  p 125

December 2008

Remember the Lord

All through scripture God sets up “memorials” so His followers would remember the important things.  Who He is, His promises, His kind and gracious deeds to His own.  We can do the same thing with those we care for.  Old photo albums, talking about the Lord, regularly reading the Bible, listening to hymns, and prayer* are good ways to keep God in the forefront of our minds, and help our loved ones do the same.  New long term memories will not be formed, but moment to moment comfort and sanctification can take place. 

Even now, we can be building into our lives habits that would support our relationship with the Lord if we should forget one day.  Dr. Mast has excellent suggestions on this. He closes with the following thought: 

“It is far more significant that God remembers us than that we remember him.  This speaks to the reality that our salvation, from beginning to end, is by grace.  In Grace God reaches out to rescue us – not the other way around.  Our salvation, ultimately is not up to us.  We cannot save ourselves, and there is comfort in this as a person experiences physical and mental decay.” p 163 

Now that Gary is in advanced stage Alzheimer's, I don't know what he is remembering much less what he thinks, but I do know He is safe in God's hands.  We are past the usefulness of most of the practical suggestions from this book, but they are really good and we have done many of them.  If you are caring for someone like Gary, please get this book.  Find out how you can help your loved one remember the Lord, and be comforted that God remembers them.  

*Note: As with any good resource I’d encourage discernment as you read.  There’s a second-hand example given about a Catholic woman finding peace through praying the rosary.  No doubt a true story, but I wish the author hadn’t used it in a book about how to help Christians remember the Lord. 

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As always, your comments are always welcome.  Just click on "comments" below.

To all my Valentines!

February is HERE, and I'm giving you your very special Valentine Gift NOW!  I love all of you so much and am greatly thankful for the care, support and love you always show me.  So, here it is...It's a desktop wallpaper for your computers, just for you! 

"But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13

It's easy to set up and FREE!  The 2-step instructions are right below the pink flowers!

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INSTRUCTIONS:

1. Click on image to open.

2. Right click and select "Set As Desktop Background."

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Click HERE to visit my shop! 

Watercolor Journal - A Pebble in the Hand

Small actions end up meaning so much later on.  At the time, I didn’t know how much a few little rocks would mean to me.  Yes, they are pretty, and smooth, and remind me of a special place, but now they speak to me in a much deeper way.  Gary and I collected them at Moonstone Beach during our many visits here.  I’m here again.  This time alone since Gary can no longer leave the house.  It’s hard to leave him, even though I know he is well cared for, but I know he’d say… “GO!  Have Fun!”  So here I am. 

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If interested click HERE for note card and print.

Last week, in anticipation of being here, I had the pleasurable experience of painting this exact handful of pebbles. 

I stood still for about 20 minutes waiting for this Egret to get this close, and right after this he caught the mouse and took it farther away to dine in private. 

I’m here to relax, remember, and make some new memories of my own.  Today, in fact, I explored a new area nearby, and saw something new!  An Egret hunting in a grassy field, and catching a MOUSE if you can believe it!.  I’m so happy I got to see 5 of them when on a walk in the Fiscalini Ranch Preserve.  They were too far away for a good photo, but easy to see in person. 

Gary was so good at noticing the unique things.  One time he’d say, “Let’s collect all GREEN pebbles this time.”  Another it was “Collect pebbles that look like jelly beans.”  Anyway, we did, and over the years have accumulated a few jars of smooth, little rocks.  One time I found all the colors of the rainbow and laid them out on Gary’s handkerchief.  He was also good at finding the perfect flat pebble for skipping too.  I marveled at how many skips he could get out of a throw. 

Why so special?  It was time spent together, marveling at Creation.  God didn’t have to make rocks in various hues, but He did.  He didn’t have to make light with a spectrum of color, but He did.  I’m happy to be here, for the both of us, being able to look at things with fresh eyes, and refreshed for serving again. 

Getting time away for respite looks different for everyone, but Jesus set the example for us long ago.  Let’s all try to find a way to follow in His footsteps. 

“But Jesus Himself would slip away to the wilderness and pray.” Luke 5:16. 

Nine

Last January I posted a summary of the last 8 years of Gary’s dementia. (Click HERE to read it.)   I wondered if there would be a 9th.  Well, here we are on the brink of 2015 so as of today, the Lord has seen fit to give us more time with Gary.   I thought an update might be in order. 

Frequent visitors in 2014...Canada Geese

Some of you know there have been many challenges in our lives this year, with the loss of both my parents (in their 90’s) who lived right across the street.  Between Gary’s and my parents’ failing health, and my own health issues, 2014 rivaled 2002, (the year I had cancer), and (2006-2007) the years we were first faced with Gary’s dementia.  Even though there were many special moments, and encouraging days, in the midst, I’m glad 2014 is over.  It’s easy to say something glib like that, but not at all realistic.  I don’t know what lies in store tomorrow, or today for that matter.  2015 might be even harder.  It is so presumptive to think that we can so easily dismiss difficulties, with the turn of a calendar page or a New Year’s resolution. 

The good news is, that God has given us lots of leeway within the responsibility of stewarding our time, bodies, and resources.  With less loved ones to care for now, I’m seriously trying to do some things to “catch up” on my own health, and do what I can to make Gary’s life comfortable, and interesting. 

The following is not a list of resolutions.  Just things I’m grateful to have the time for and a feeling of stewardship of the gift of time. 

More time with the Lord

I sure do need it.  The keys to wisdom and peace are within the pages of the Bible.  Many days this year, my soul has been sustained by a familiar verse studied long ago.  But on recent days, I’ve been able to dig in to God's word, exploring more deeply, and finding rich treasures there.  Recent curiosity of mine:  If a Christian’s sanctification is guaranteed, how does a Christian with dementia grow spiritually?  Thankfully, the Word of God speaks to this. 

Used my mom's dishes for Thanksgiving 2014.

More memories to savor

It's been fun to go through my parents' things, and sort what to keep, give, and toss.  Discovering little instructional notes from mom, and some of my dad's old model airplanes he'd packed away, were like having them here again.  I miss them so much.  I'm looking forward to preserving my dad's movie films digitally, and using some of my mom's paint brushes.   

I'm pretty sure this was Gary's last outing...a family birthday party.  It became too hard on him to drag him to social gatherings.  March 2014.

More time with Gary

Another milestone of loss...during the summer I decided to stop getting Gary out of bed to walk him to his recliner.  He does better in his comfy bed.  July 2014.

Since my dad passed away, a couple of Dad’s caregivers came to work for us and we’ve all been pretty busy getting Mom and Dad’s affairs settled.  Now that things are wrapping up across the street I’ve been finding a more comfortable balance of time with help and time alone with Gary. 

More focus on Gary’s needs

Physically, Gary has stopped losing weight but this is not good news.  It’s because he has no fat or muscles to loose.  He is literally “skin and bones.”  Diligence is required to protect his skin from breaking down, and a careful touch as he has no padding.  His heart and lungs are good but many things could trigger an irreversible downturn; a pressure sore, a couple of days of not eating, pneumonia, etc.  Mentally, it’s getting harder and harder to find ways to stimulate him.  He can’t hold his eyes open for more than a few seconds a couple of times a day unless he’s lying flat on his back or on his side.  I found a kid’s animated acquarium-nightlight, that I can put on his tray, or prop next to him.   Truly though, most of the mental stimulation he gets now is hearing, and touch since he really doesn’t focus on things more than a few feet from him.  I try to play hymns for him daily, and read short passages of the Bible out loud.  He loves his Christmas Bells.  I wish he could listen beyond Christmas, but I need a way to hang them, other than the Christmas tree.  Hmmmm…

A visit from family and their doggies...good medicine!

More focus on others.

I'm not sure exactly when or how, but I miss having a regular ministry at church, and have had to put off friends I care about.  Hope to have a bit more time to invest in others.

More attention on my health

For the month of January, I’m trying the “Whole30 plan” hoping to eliminate inflammatory foods and then reintroduce categories to see if I’m healthier without milk, grains, sugar or legumes.  Click HERE for more info on "Whole30".  I’ve been checking off some deferred Dr. visits, and trying to find ways to exercise without hurting my heel spur.  I’m looking forward to a couple of days away by myself pretty soon (like I did last May) for a little time of mental refreshment.  I’ll bring my watercolors with me this time too.

Will there be a "TEN" year post about Gary?  I don't know.  For now I'm happy just knowing that today he is comfortably snoozing away near me.  We made it to our 40th Anniversary last week.  I get really sad sometimes seeing how weak he is, and wonder how much longer he will be with us.  Only God knows the answer to that, so I will keep entrusting my sweet husband to Him.  Each and every day I have with him is a privilege.  Meanwhile, thank you for your love, and prayers and going along on our journey with us. 

Our 40th Anniversary - December 28, 2014

"Our soul waits for the LORD; He is our help and our shield. 

For our heart rejoices in Him,  Because we trust in His holy name. 

Let Your loving kindness, O LORD, be upon us, According as we have hoped in You."

Psalm 33:20-22

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Christmas Cards Are Here!

My parents made their own Christmas Cards the majority of their 61 Christmases together.  I guess that’s one reason I’ve had so much fun painting these 4 wintery scenes, with the intent of making cards to share with all of you. 

Everyone loves Christmas, and for me it is a big celebration of my Savior’s birth!  I’m carrying on the tradition of sharing that encouraging news or a heartfelt greeting in a Christmas Card.

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I have always wanted to paint cardinals.  Wish I could see one up close some day, but will have to travel to where they are!  Their red feathers seem to announce Christmas to everyone!

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The snow covered tree is the one that grew at my parents’ home in Montana.  For the painting, I trimmed it with living ornaments.

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Lamp posts with candles seem so welcoming, and to me represent the warmth of gathering with friends and family.  While creating this painting, I recalled the two lanterns at the gate of our former home.  Gary converted some old light fixtures to gas and hopefully the flames flickered a warm “Welcome.”

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My grandchildren suggested the snowman to complete the set.  He makes me smile, as he silently shouts “Joy to the World.” 

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Many of you have inquired about Christmas Cards this year, so it’s with great pleasure that I’m able to share these cards with you. 

Three ways to shop...right here on colorsbylaurie.com or my Etsy store, or my Facebook page.

Each card is available as a blank note card with no text on the front as well.  All card insides may be personalized if desired.

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One of my parents' cards just for fun...

Designed and Silk Screened in 1957 by Bill and Louise Ransom

Practical Joking 101 - Cowboys and Perfume

What do perfume and cowboys have in common?  Let me tell you.  Quite a bit, in Gary’s world. 

Click HERE for info on MSU rodeos. 

It all started with a Rodeo.  We were on our way to the College National Finals Rodeo in Bozeman, Montana with my parents in the early 80’s.  On the way to the arena, Gary and I were having a “tiff” over something silly.  Anyway, when we arrived in an effort to have the last word, I grabbed my little perfume spray from my purse and sprayed him!    He looked at me and said “LAURIE!  NOW I HAVE TO GO TO A RODEO SMELLING LIKE A GIRL!!!!”  We both started laughing and the argument was over but Gary felt conspicuous all night. 

Well, Gary was never one to be outdone with the practical jokes, so ever since then, he was on the look-out for how to get back at me.  This expanded into months, and years.  The area most advantageous to him for this endeavor were the fragrance counters at department stores.  EVERY time we went to the mall, I needed to be on guard that I not get to close to Gary and the men’s cologne testers.   Even our girls learned that they could end up wearing men's cologne if they weren’t careful.  They enjoyed trying to get him close enough to the PERFUME testers too get back at him too. 

YIKES!

Ok, now, let me tell you what he did to me just a couple of weeks ago.  At least I'm pretty sure it was him!  I was on a little get-away with Sarah, for a couple days in Santa Barbara.  One evening, I pulled out my toiletries bag, and sprayed some perfume on myself. However, it smelled like men’s cologne, and we debated if it was perfume or cologne.  After Googling it, we found that "Allure" by Channel is indeed....MEN'S COLOGNE!!!!  I have a feeling that years ago, Gary put that in MY toiletries bag, (not HIS), trying to trick me!  Well, IT WORKED!  And best of all, gave Sarah and I a good laugh as we remembered the fun times with Gary.  How we love him.

He would be glad to know his pranks continue, even though bed-bound.  AMAZING!

Precious Treasures

“For we have brought nothing into the world,

so we cannot take anything out of it either.” 

1 Tim. 6:7

We enter the world naked.  We bring nothing with us when we breathe our first breath.  Soon we are soothed, and wrapped in a blanket and maybe a little cap is put on our head. 

My dad, Bill Ransom and his brother Richard.

We are showered with little baby gifts.  A rattle, a pacifier, a special blankie, a teddy bear. 

During our growing up years we accumulate toys, bikes, a special treasures we keep in a box...a feather, a special rock, or shell…memories.

Dad, at age 17, with the trophy and the model airplane he built to win it.  It took him a year to build it from scratch. 

Soon our possessions get bigger, more expensive, more “weighty”…a car, a diploma, a house.  Items resulting from hobbies.  Collections.  Albums of memories.  Trophies. 

And so we use and enjoy our “things” for many years.  But, aging or disease or both come with physical and/or mental limitations.  Most of us have to think about downsizing eventually.

The “special” things get condensed and the “non-meaningful” things get tossed so we can live in a more manageable way. 

If we live a really long time, we’ll likely have to downsize again, maybe to just one room.  Special treasures, will be given to those who will appreciate them and everything else, will be given away or thrown out.  All that’s left is a bed, a bookcase, a dresser and whatever memories can hang on the walls.

Immediate surroundings may blur as our vision wanes, and the voices of those we love may be our last possession.

When death finally closed the eyes of my dad 10 days ago, even his wedding ring, never removed in 64 years, was no longer his, but became my precious possession. 

Some of us will outlive those we love.  My dad outlived my mom.  I am outliving him.

We enter with nothing.  We leave with nothing.

Mom and Dad arrive at their new, smaller home.  June 2011

When my ailing dad came to live with us 2 weeks ago, he was in the final downsizing phase of his life.  He and my mom had come to live in the condo, across the street from us 3 years ago.  Before that they moved from their large country home into a smaller house in town.  Each move generated bags of items for donation, trash, garage sale, or distributing to family and friends.  Each move left them with less. 

After 96 years, my dad’s soul left earth and went to Heaven.  I had the privilege of going through the experience of both my mom and dad departing Earth within the last 3 months.  One of the more poignant lessons has come from working my way down memory lane, going through the precious possessions that my parents left behind.  Since my parents were both very detailed and interested in family history, there are many treasures packed away, and most are labeled as to their origin.  Every time I open a new little box, and find a little note from them, it’s like they are still here.  I'm enjoying this process.

Some of the memories surfaced by these household items are not so pleasant.  For instance, my mom’s ankle brace, dad’s medications, walkers, wheelchairs, shower chair, hospital bed, etc., etc.; evidences of the effects of the Genesis Fall on 91 and 96 year old bodies.  I was so happy to dispose of these things and glad that neither one of them will ever again experience the maladies that plagued them in their later years.

God wants us to know that we come with nothing and will leave with nothing.  Well nothing “temporal” that is.  My dad left me with a precious treasure over the last 2 months of his life.  Our relationship grew in ways I hadn’t expected.  With my mom in Heaven, he and I shared some very precious moments, and short but meaningful things were said.  The Lord truly gave me some wonderful times with him, and precious memories, which glorify God, because of the way my dad trusted Jesus, and prayed together, in spite of some very trying times.  When struggling with his physical suffering, he would often end up saying “It’s in the Lord’s hands.” 

The ONLY things we take with us into the next life, are not "of this world" but they are very real.  Here's a few...

• Our relationship with Christ, the salvation He provides, and all the spiritual blessings in the Heavenly places. (Ephesians 1)
• Our relationship with other believers who we will enjoy eternity with as we worship God and enjoy him forever.  (1 Corinthians 2:9)
• The blessings given to each Christian when they get saved, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.  (Galatians 5:22-23)

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb and naked I shall return there. 

The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. 

Blessed be the name of the Lord.” 

Job 1:21

 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth where moth and rust destroy,

and where thieves break in and steal. 

But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven

where neither moth nor rust destroys,

and where thieves do not break in or steal;

for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” 

Matt. 6:19-20

Delayed, Disappointed, Confused?

It's a favorite of mine...Psalm 25.  In my Bible, it’s got underlines, and notes in the margin.  I'm drawn back to it when I have decisions to make or am feeling overwhelmed.  The first time in my life that Psalm 25 had a huge impact on me was 12 years ago, when I was fighting Stage III cancer.  David’s prayer-song has been a comfort to me ever since. 

Many of you know my mom went to Heaven in July.  We are adjusting to the “new normal” with her gone.  My dad is lonely, in frail health, and though we enjoy being together, our short visits are limited since I can’t leave Gary alone.  Being responsible for my dad's care, is a weighty thing. 

Over the last months my health has been threatened with headaches, weight gain and overall tiredness.  My father broke his hip (now healed).  My mother died.  Gary has lost more weight, is now unable to walk and is confined to bed.  He no longer seems to recognize me or others. 

A recipe for depression?  Yes, BUT then God ministers to my heart .  God will NOT let His own be "put to shame."  In Hebrew, that means disappointed, delayed or confused. 

Now…let me walk through this precious Psalm and share my heart as I go…Ok?

1 To You, O Lord, I lift up my soul.

You’ve got my soul Lord.  All of my inmost parts.  Again I give myself to You.  You have my attention.  Nothing is beyond your concern, care and plans.  You are large and in charge. 

2 O my God, in You I trust, You are worthy of my trust! 

Do not let me be put to shame;

Don’t let me be delayed…Help me to pace my emotions & energy knowing that Your timing is perfect.

Don’t let me be disappointed…Let me see glimpses of the wonderful things going on in the midst of things not turning out the way I expected.

Don’t let me be confused…Give me clarity in the face of much information and many opinions.

Do not let my enemies (the enemies of my soul…Satan and his demons) exult over me. Don’t let them have the last laugh by discouraging me.

3 Indeed, none of those who wait for You will be put to shame;
Those who deal treacherously without cause will be put to shame.

What a sweet promise…that if I “wait” for You to act, I won’t be “delayed, disappointed or confused.”

4 Make me know Your ways, O Lord;
Teach me Your paths.

I want to do what you would do, Lord.  Let your love and wisdom flow through me.

5 Lead me in Your truth and teach me, 
For You are the God of my salvation;
For You I wait all the day.

Keep me always learning from your Word because You are the One who saved me.  I'm eagerly looking to You for direction and help for the two frail men I love.

---

6 Remember, O Lord, Your compassion and Your lovingkindnesses,
For they have been from of old. 

Show Your compassion to Gary and my dad.  Be merciful to us. 

7 Do not remember the sins of my youth or my transgressions;
According to Your lovingkindness remember me,
For Your goodness’ sake, O Lord.

Lord, You are using the pressures and stresses of these days to reveal sin, lying beneath the surface in my heart.  You are good to do so.  Please forgive my impatience, and pride.

8 Good and upright is the Lord;
Therefore He instructs sinners in the way.

You are SO GOOD, to point me in the right direction.

9 He leads the humble in justice,
And He teaches the humble His way.

I’m incapable, inadequate, often wrong, and proud.  Keep me humble in order that I can follow Your lead.  

10 All the paths of the Lord are lovingkindness and truth
To those who keep His covenant and His testimonies.

ALL the paths…I’m so encouraged and comforted by this promise that everything You do, is merciful and true.  There is no unkindness or deception with You God.  Your ways are good, even these current difficult days. 

11 For Your name’s sake, O Lord,
Pardon my iniquity, for it is great.

Because of who You are, You forgive.

12 Who is the man who fears the Lord?  He will instruct him in the way he should choose.  His soul will abide in prosperity, And his descendants will inherit the land.

So many promises, to the one who fears God.  “He who fears God, has nothing else to fear.”  Spurgeon  Wisdom in decision making…Everything my soul needs…Care for my family...

14 The secret of the Lord is for those who fear Him,
And He will make them know His covenant.

And more...Intimate relationship with the Lord and promises KEPT.

---

15 My eyes are continually toward the Lord,
For He will pluck my feet out of the net.

I want to keep looking to God for everything because he’s going to rescue me from temptation.

16 Turn to me and be gracious to me,
For I am lonely and afflicted.

God, give Your grace to our family as we experience loss and suffering.  It is hard to see my dad and my husband like this. 

17 The troubles of my heart are enlarged;
Bring me out of my distresses.

My problems seem big to me but to you they are not.  Save me from MY actual distresses, and from "feeling" distressed. 

18 Look upon my affliction and my trouble,
And forgive all my sins.

Give your attention to the problems I’m facing.  Forgive those sins of worry, doubt, and trying to do things in MY strength.

19 Look upon my enemies, for they are many,
And they hate me with violent hatred.

Deal with the unseen but very real enemies of my soul, for I know they want to discourage me and wear me down.

20 Guard my soul and deliver me;
Do not let me be put to shame, for I take refuge in You.

Keep my soul safe as you bring me all the way to Heaven one day and don’t let me be disappointed, delayed or confused, because I’m going to hide in your protective love.

21 Let integrity and uprightness preserve me,
For I wait for You.

Build integrity and righteousness into my life and let them keep me strong and protected because I’m choosing to wait on You. 

22 Redeem Israel, O God,
Out of all his troubles.

You are the ONLY answer to the troubles of this life.  We look to You eagerly anticipating our marching orders and asking for Your help every day.  Help my resolve when I am weak.

Greetings and Salutations

Many of you have asked for the opportunity to do "mix and match" card shopping so it's my pleasure to finally announce that my entire collection of greeting cards is now available to you at colorsbylaurie.com  

Inspirational, Special Occasion, Thank You, and Holiday cards are ready to view and purchase at this link...  MIX & MATCH GREETING CARDS.  If you purchase 8 or more the shipping is free. 

Last month, following my mother's passing, I  was recently reminded of the special meaning that is attached to a greeting card received in the mail.  My dad and I were truly comforted as we read the sympathy cards that came in the mail.  Those who took the time to write a note, whether long or short really blessed us. 

Thanksgiving

I've had this collection assembled and ready, but because of the recent events in my family's life, have been unable to publish until now.  I'm so happy to finally be able to share it with you in the hopes you will be benefited as will those you choose to greet with a special card or note.    Here are a few samples...

New Baby

"When you write a note, you are giving yourself to the reader in the most civilized way.  A handwritten note is a unique gesture that offers more of you without demanding more of them."  (The Art of the Handwritten Note, by Margaret Shepherd)

Thank You

Inspirational

"She Shall Be Praised"

My blog posts have been non existent for some time.  I have been writing, and painting a little, but for a very different and personal reason.  My mother, Louise Ransom went to her heavenly home on July 18th.  We had an intimate memorial celebration for her in my home this week.  Honoring my mom was a joy, because she honored the Lord with her life.  Today I posted the Eulogy which I wrote to honor her life if you care to read it along with some of the photos which were shown at the service. 

"Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,

but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised."

Proverbs 31:30

Ella Louise Ransom was born in Chicago, Illinois September 1, 1922.  Her family had moved there when her father, Harold Huntsman, enrolled in the Wurlitzer school of Organ.  His dance band, “The Blue Melody Boys” had just broken up after five years of touring the southern states playing in the popular “dime-a-dance” halls.  Louise’s mom, Martha and her brother, Harold Jr., had been traveling with the band, and when Martha became pregnant with Louise, they decided to settle down to raise their family.

Six weeks later they moved to Decatur, Illinois, where her dad played pipe organ for silent films, and accompanied vaudeville acts on the piano. Her parents bought a nice home on a tree lined street, near the Baptist church that became their church home.  In 1926 her sister Emily was born.

At four years old, some of Louise’s artistic interest was emerging… Recently Louise wrote of this.  “Oh Mom!  She’s done it again!”  That was the plaintiff cry of a 9 year old boy whose 4 year old sister, Louise, had invaded his room in his absence and played with his paint set.  The multi-colored mess was convicting.  Mom said to Louise, “We’ve asked you more than once not to go into Harold’s room and you’ve disobeyed, so I’ll have to use the ping pong paddle.” “But mom, the colors are so pretty and if I mix 2 of them there’s another color!”   The ping pong paddle did its job.  Privately her parents wondered if she could have a natural talent.  The next Christmas, there was a paint box marked, “Louise” under the tree. 

In the late 20’s sound came to the movies, so her father lost his job at the theatre, and eventually they lost their home.  The Huntsmans were creative.  Louise’s parents built a hamburger stand and sold hamburgers, chili, ice cream, candy and pop…everything priced at 5 cents.  They also invented the Huntsman Candy Bar which they produced in the basement of their rented home and distributed to grocery stores all over town.  In 1931 with the Great Depression upon them, a band of gypsies traveling through town robbed their hamburger stand business at knife-point.  To add to the difficulties, Harold Sr. broke his rib and was no longer able to do the strenuous work required for producing the candy bars so they went out of business. 

Although growing up during the hardships of the “Great Depression” years, in her own words, Louise said “her childhood was extremely happy.  In the atmosphere of a joyful Christian family, the focus was on God-given blessings, faith in the Almighty, and always with gratitude, and a touch of humor.”

Louise’s grandma and aunt, who lived in Los Angeles, invited her family to come to California where there were more jobs available.  The Huntsmans headed west when Louise was 9 years old.  Trusting in God, they forged ahead with optimism.  The three kids saw it as a great adventure, and didn’t understand the hardship at the time.  While Louise’s dad attended Barber College with the plan of opening his own shop, Louise loved living with her grandma, who taught her to bake cookies, make pie dough, and do embroidery work. 

In 1935, her dad opened his business in L.A.  Louise was 12.  They lived in the one room apartment above the shop, and even though crowded they were happy days.  The kids would play on the sidewalk out front, or on the flat roof, where they had a pet duck, named Donald.  Louise said, “We had little materially, but ours was a loving, joyful family with faith in God and hope for our future.” 

Eventually they were able to buy a simple farm-style house just off Sunset in Hollywood.  It seemed like a palace to Louise, after living in the tiny apartment.  The Huntsmans loved people so the welcome mat was always out.  Their home was used for meetings, special events and big family dinners for years.  A grand piano was added and the sound of music filled the rooms for many years, as Harold Sr. continued to be a professional musician along with barbering. 

While in High School, Louise continued developing her skills with a paint brush, and her teachers noticed.  She took classes at Art Center College of Design as a high school student, and was awarded a scholarship to Otis Art Institute, where she attended the year after she graduated, in 1941.  She was offered a 2nd year scholarship but turned it down, in favor of a college education beginning with Los Angeles City College.  When World War II interrupted her college years, and she went to work for Lockheed Aircraft in Burbank as a technical illustrator until the end of the war.

In 1943 Louise joined Hollywood Presbyterian Church.  It was there under the teaching of Dr. Louis Evans, and discipled by Dr. Henrietta Mears, that she fell in love with the Word of God.   Even though raised in a Christian home and brought up in the truth, she had never before been challenged to study the Bible for herself.  At the end of the war, she attended a college retreat at Forest Home, that marked a major turning point in her life.   In her own words, “With the end of WW II one month earlier, I was faced with a dilemma: Should I continue with my good job at Lockheed Aircraft, or follow my dream of a college education with a major in art?  There were pros and cons on both sides.    Though I considered myself to be a Christian already, at the conference I was moved to commit my life to Christ, pray for guidance, and trust God to open doors.  Once back home, I learned it wasn’t too late to have my credits transferred from LA City College to UCLA and register for the fall semester.  I could afford it because UCLA was a no tuition school at the time, and I was able to find a part time job to help with college expenses.  My parents were supportive.  It seemed God’s will was now clear.  I was grateful and overjoyed!!

 “Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.”  Psalm 37:5 had new and personal meaning for her.

She graduated from UCLA in 1948.  She would be a Bruin for life much to the dismay of the USC fans in the family.  Her training in the art department would lead to a life-long passion for art and great pleasure in sharing her artwork with others.  She returned to technical illustrating at Lockheed along with free-lance jobs.  It was at Lockheed that she was to meet her one true love. 

Bill remembers meeting Louise…“We passed each other on a stairway and our eyes met.  A few weeks later we were introduced at the Lockheed Art Club exhibit.  I was supposed to take pictures of the winners in different categories so they could publish the results in the Lockheed Star newspaper.  Soon after we had our first date at a friend’s house.  It was dinner followed by viewing color slides of recent trips my friend and I had taken. I was attracted to her basic sweetness.  With Louise, it was always somebody else came first.”

They enjoyed ice skating lesson dates, dinner dates, and especially at a favorite restaurant on Riverside drive where they would talk about the Sunday sermon. 

They were married at Hollywood Presbyterian Church on February 3, 1950. 

Shortly after getting married, they spent a brief time in Menlo Park in the bay area. Bill remembers taking drives along the 17 Mile Drive along the coastline and take pictures.  Louise made paintings from some of Bill’s photographs of the windswept trees and the winds blowing off the ocean.  One such painting was a gift for her brother, and now belongs to her granddaughter, April.

For the next 34 years their home was in La Crescenta, California.  Their church home was La Crescenta Baptist Church.  They were blessed with two children, Laurie and Paul.  While raising their family they enjoyed many vacations in Grand Teton and Yellowstone National Parks and grew to love the beauty of God’s creation in that part of the country.  Louise enjoyed getting close to nature, hiking through the back country far away from the crowds.  The fact that she was a good sport made her a perfect wife for Bill who introduced her to backpacking, snow skiing, and camping.  She often brought along her sketchpad and paints and made these family adventures such fun with her cheerful attitude and willing spirit.  She would help her kids collect rocks, pine cones, and wildflowers to be pressed in the old Sears catalog she brought along.  Later they would be made into greeting cards.  She was curious about everything and always wanted to understand and learn.

In his late teens, Paul was killed in a driving accident.  This was a very painful time for Bill and Louise but they sought to find the purposes of God in the loss of their son.  A memorial fund was established to help provide rooms in a conference facility at Hume Lake Christian Camps which gave a small glimpse into the good that can come from a tragic situation.  The peace that passes understanding was given to them. 

Mom was a problem solver.  She could figure out anything.  I think this helped her with her homemaking skills, but more especially with teaching me to balance my checkbook, cooking, baking, and sewing.  No one made better pie dough, and when asked she’d say, ‘Oh, I just follow the recipe in the Betty Crocker Cookbook.” 

She was a very good listener.  I could solve most of my problems by “running them by mom.”  I think her occasional questions would help me come to a good solution.  Her creativity was everywhere.  Every Christmas she and my father designed original, personal Christmas cards.  As a kid I remember seeing the two of them silk screening the cards and they’d be laying all over drying between color runs.    For one birthday party, she made eight Barbie doll outfits for party favors. Her artistic touch permeated our home.  Beautiful paintings, hand sewn tablecloths and clothes.  She illustrated titles for my dad’s many films.  But the best thing about my mom was the way she loved Jesus.  She tried her hardest to live for Him.  She was everything a mother should be.  Compassionate, encouraging, resourceful, patient, a good teacher and so fun.

Louise became a grandma twice.  Sarah and April adored her.  Their strongest memory of Grandma is her joyful smile.  “She radiated joy in all seasons of life, knowing that God works all things together for good.  Grandma was FUN!  Whether bouncing on the trampoline, trying to teach us to “Charleston”, mailing us picture letters, or showing us a new parlor game, she loved to laugh and have fun with us.”  Sarah said, “Grandma was the most thankful person I have ever known.  She gave thanks for all things and saw God’s hand in each provision.  

As a Christian woman, Grandma grew more and more fervent in her love for God and His word.  Even into her 90’s, she studied her Bible diligently and shared God’s truth with others.  I want to be like her when I grow up.” April loves how Grandma never had a sense of entitlement.  Also, she always wanted to know about April and her family.  “I want the details” Grandma would say.  She admired that as a senior, Grandma never coasted spiritually, actively pursuing sanctification and knowing Christ more.” 

Bill and Louise retired to Bozeman, Montana in 1984 and spent 26 years, just north of Yellowstone.  It was a delightful location 20 minutes from town, with plenty of wildlife, wildflowers, and beautiful views of the Gallatin Valley.  They attended Grace Bible Church in town.  Louise hosted ladies groups so the new women could get acquainted with other ladies, and brought meals to those who were sick.  Eventually they moved into town and she attended a weekly ladies bible study in the neighborhood.  Their years in Montana were full of photography, paintings, craft fairs and art shows. 

She produced close to 100 paintings while living there.  When asked about her talent, she humbly said, “All creativity comes from God, and because we are made in His image, everyone is creative in one way or another.”

While living in Montana, Sarah and April both got married, and Louise became a great-grandma eight times over.   She absolutely LOVED each one, even though four of them were across the country in Florida.  Her great grandkids remember her as joyful no matter what.  When she could, she would read to them from the worn out Disney story book that she read to their mommies and grandma many years before.  “da Tar Baby” was the favorite of all.

In 2011 the Ransoms moved to California right across the street from Gary and Laurie.  They gave up their beautiful Montana to be near the family.  These last three years brought many physical limitations upon Louise.  Arthritis, failing eyesight, poor hearing, and heart problems, plagued her, but she didn’t complain, and nothing stole her joy and optimism.  She found satisfaction in simple pleasures like an email from an old friend, getting to know and love her caregivers, and reading her Bible.  Her love for Bill continued to deepen especially over the last few years. 

We are eternally grateful to God for the 91 years He gave our precious wife, mother, grandma, great-grandma and friend.  We will miss her terribly but rejoice that her best years are just beginning.  She is enjoying her Savior face to face and reunited with those who have gone before her.   Thank you Lord, for the life of Ella Louise Ransom.

I painted a bluebird on the box that houses her remains, for it reminds me of my mom's beautiful blue eyes, and the little bluebird family that lived on the porch of their Montana home. 

 "Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised."

Proverbs 31:30

Honoring my mom was a joy, 

because she honored the Lord with her life.

Gary's Prayers - "Help Us Laugh"

(Long after Gary gave up conversations, he would pray at meals.  I wrote down some of these prayers.)

On June 21, 2011 Gary Prayed:

"Heavenly Father - Help us laugh at the...(?)...  Thank you for the healthy food.  Help us not be concerned."

When I wrote this prayer down his language skills were really starting to fade.  But I'm pretty sure, he meant that we need to trust God and "laugh" at the circumstances in our lives.  That's the way he would have spoken.  Not literal laughter, but having the kind of trust that generates a peaceful, joyful, and contented heart.  Anyway, I really need to take my cues from him right now.  This is a demanding, busy, and sobering time in my life.  I need to "laugh" at the pathetic efforts of the Enemy to discourage and overwhelm.  I need to be grateful for God's provision.  I need to trust my heavenly Father and not be concerned because He is handling our struggles.   

"Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not worth much more than they?"  Matthew 6:26

Knowing this gives me cause to rejoice, and not be worried.  

(Click here to read more of Gary's Prayers.)

"Ten Things About My Dad" by Sarah

Our daughter, Sarah, recently wrote to April and I with remembrances of their dad. She gave me permission to share them today.

Dear Mom and April,

 For a number of reasons, I’ve been thinking a lot about what I love so much about Dad.  So many thoughts were swirling around in my mind, I thought it would be nice to collect my favorites and get them written down. You both love him so much, I think you’ll enjoy thinking about these things as well.  God has indeed blessed us richly.  In these difficult days, I’m encouraged by Psalm 68:19 “Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears us up; God is our salvation.”  He bears us up, He faithfully bears Dad up as well – sustaining and ministering to His soul in ways we can not. God has been so kind to us, given us so many sweet memories.  We have much to be thankful for. 

I love my Dad.  I am so grateful that God allowed me to grow up with such a Father.

There could be many more, but here are 10 things I love best about my Dad:

He is…

A godly Christian man -  FIRST and foremost, my Dad would describe himself as a sinner, saved by God’s grace.  This defines him best. So thankful for his Christian leadership.  He is a godly man - hungry for the word of God.  He’d sit at the breakfast table, Bible open, nearly every day.  It is a sweet memory in my mind.

A joyful man – enjoying life.  Life with my Dad was F U N!  He made our childhood so happy. Adventure, practical jokes, laughter… A treehouse with a zip-line so we could fly from the side yard, over the fish pond, into the front yard!  Fun times.  But even in the not-so-fun-times, during the trials of life, he kept smiling.  His face – filled with permanently etched smile lines proves it!  I’m thankful for my joyful Dad.

A working man - laboring with excellence, bringing glory to God in his work.  The slogan he chose for his electrical company was “service with a conscience.” He worked hard and he did it right!  He used his creativity at work and at home.  He’d embark on big projects that many would say “couldn’t be done” and then he’d go ahead and find a way to do it.  I often admire his attention to detail and the difficult tasks he would take on. He was a hard worker, but work didn’t dominate his life – he knew when to stop.     

A family man – investing time in his wife and daughters. This is a precious quality.  He spent TIME with us.  Not just quality time, but a quantity of quality time.  He took Mom on dates.  Even April and I got to go out on special dates with Dad.  I’m grateful.

A humble man – ready to serve, open to correction, ready to listen before speaking.  Dad was happy to serve behind the scenes without recognition. He didn’t seek attention and was content to do the menial tasks that not many people noticed.  He admitted his faults and shared his mistakes. He was humble enough to learn and gain wisdom from anyone who was speaking the truth – even when it was coming from someone younger than himself.  Even April and I were welcome to come to him and share a concern – and he would listen.  

A faithful man – with eyes and affections for one woman only.  His faithful commitment to Mom has always been evident.  Truly a one-woman-man.  His love, attentions, and compliments are strictly for her.  To him, she is the standard of beauty.

A bold man – unashamed of the gospel. He wanted everyone to know about God and their need for Jesus Christ.  I loved his license plate, “R U SAVED?” which prompted many gospel opportunities at gas stations while he was filling up his truck. Even in this final trial of life, his desire is to make much of Christ as he goes through the valley of the shadow of death.

A submissive man – submissive to God’s will for his life.  When trials came, he continued to trust the Lord, submitting his desires to the plan of God.  I’m grateful for this example. With Job, he would concur, “the Lord gives, and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.”

A content man – grateful for all of God’s gifts.  Dad could make much out of little and did not make it his ambition to own the next new thing.  I often remember him reading one of his favorite books, The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment. He finds satisfaction in God’s providence. 

A prepared man – ready to be with the Lord, eagerly anticipating His return. One look in my Dad’s Bible will tell any observer that he loved to study the book of Revelation and any passage describing the 2nd coming of Jesus…they are well marked and highlighted.  He’d often say “He could return today!” with a twinkle in his eye.  It was a real special treat to have this cheerful reminder spoken often throughout my childhood. His eyes have been fixed on eternity with His Savior for a long time.   

Thank you, God, for my dear Dad!

Sweet Times Cafe

Posted on the front door: Welcome to Grandma's Sweet Times Cafe.  Enter at your own dental risk.

Here's a simple, silly, idea for a little family theme party.  Last Friday night, we had our grandkids over.  I decided we should have a "theme" for the evening...

We have a mail slot right by the front door, where this sign was posted.  Ever since we've lived here, the little hands appear through the slot when the door bell rings.  This time, I placed chocolate chips in their hands. 

The four kids quickly discovered the evening was to have a "sweet" theme!  With dinner cooking, I started them on a scavenger hunt of sorts.  Nursery Rhymes with clues as to the whereabouts of hidden treats, were written on cut-outs from old magazines.  The older (Junior High aged) boys were nice to play along.  Their clues were harder. 

SEW A FINE SEAM...

Sweet, fruit bars were waiting to be found.   For instance:

"Pussy cat, pussy cat, wilt thou be mine?

Thou shalt not wash dishes, nor yet feed the swine.

But sit on a cushion and SEW A FINE SEAM,

And eat strawberries, sugar and cream."

The fruit bar was hidden away with my sewing machine in the closet. 

GRIND HIS BONES...

"Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum,

I smell the blood of an Englishman

Be he alive, or be he dead,

I'll GRIND HIS BONES to make my bread."

A food processor would be a good place to grind bones wouldn't it? 

After the game, I got dinner ready, while the kids played "Pounce."

Dinner Menu:

SWEET Potatoes

SWEET and Smokey Chicken

SUGAR Snap Peas

Raspberry Trifle for dessert

For the evening's entertainment, in keeping with the SWEETNESS, "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory."  Gene Wilder is always funny and extra odd in this one, and the Umpa-Loompas were, well, memorable.  Chocolate rivers, golden tickets, and a bunch of really bratty kids, had us all laughing.

It just takes one simple idea, and then you can build a whole evening around it.  Print a little sign to hang on the door, to let everybody know something fun is going to happen.  Come up with a menu, and maybe a game of some kind and a movie.  Tie it all together around the theme, and there you have it! 

Watercolor Journal - Walking the Planks

Inspired by the boardwalk, the ocean and the many wildflowers.

Moonstone Beach at Cambria is on the California’s Central Coast.  A view of the ocean from my window, inspired this painting, and I painted most of it right there on my mini-retreat, alone, two weeks ago. Moonstone Beach Drive runs along the bluff with the view on one side and the hotels on the other.  Cambria is our best, “close” place to make us “feel” far away.  It is a 4 hour drive from home that seems much farther.  The only man made thing between the drive and the beach side is a boardwalk (see it?) that runs the length of the beach on the bluffs, amidst sage, wildflowers and pines.  I’m guessing it was originally built to encourage people to stay off the natural landscape, which it does, but there’s more to it's story…my story at least.

2005 - Things were fine then.

I have walked this boardwalk with Gary before, and at those times gave it little thought, but on this solo trip, the wooden walkway was an inescapable connection to my husband.  Memories of other days rolled over me like the nearby waves.  Gary and I had walked along the bluffs many times.  If the day was cold and misty, we had coffee in hand.  If clear and sunny, we had sunglasses and trail mix.  It was always refreshing or leisurely or inspiring, but whatever it felt like, it was shared.  The wooden planks are frequented by runners and walkers, lovers strolling, surfers checking out the waves, tourists with binoculars hoping to see an otter or sea lion, and underneath are ground squirrels hoping for a treat.

November 2011 - Middle stage dementia, but still enjoying the walk.

We have been coming up here for many years.  We love it here.  Our daughter, Sarah and her husband Ryan, came along with us 2 1/2 years ago to help me with Gary.  It would be the last time for Gary and I to be here together.   I remember that during that trip to Moonstone, Gary enjoyed walking on the sand without anyone guiding him and at dinner, how much he enjoyed his salmon dinner fed to him by Ryan from across the table, as I sat next to him at Robin's Restaurant.  It was a very special time. 

Right now, at this moment, the waves are breaking in rhythm.  Someone is walking hand in hand along the bluff.  I’m happy for them.  I’m happy for us. 

Moonstone Beach, Cambria, California - Walking with the Lord and very sweet memories.

.

My Mini-Retreat (Caregiver Care)

This week I did something I have never done before.  I took myself on a mini-retreat in search of a breath of fresh air, time to think, remember, create, and rest.  Everyone is busy, not just caregivers, but there is a daily weariness that I experience that is hard to explain.  The idea of leaving Gary for a couple of days, was not appealing until recently.  A couple of years ago, he would have been confused about my absence, but now he is unaware of the passing of time, or who it is that is caring for him.  Things have been much harder in 2014 and my attention is diverted in many directions in addition to the sad decline in Gary.  So, for several weeks I've been planning to take a couple of days off, and let the Lord take care of me.  I packed a good book, my watercolors, and my Bible.

Sunday

Sunday morning, Gary's caregivers arrived and I said good-bye.  It began with a beautiful drive.  I enjoy driving when there is no traffic, beautiful vistas and Keith Green's music playing.  Two of my favorite's are The Prodigal Suite, and Stained Glass.  I was surprised how many times I was reminded of former times, and in a way, Gary came along with me.  We were dating when we first heard Keith Green at Calvary Chapel in Costa Mesa.  His worship music was a big part of our early years, and still is. 

I arrived at 3:00 at Moonstone Beach in Cambria on the Central Coast.  Gary and I have stayed in several different hotels here, but The Fogcatcher Inn is our favorite. 

My adventures began with a brisk walk along the boardwalk along the bluff.  It was quite windy, and cool, but very refreshing.  How often I had walked hand in hand with Gary on the same boards.  But this time I was alone and it was ok. 

I took tons of photos.  Tried some "selfies," and shot scenes for painting reference and of course capturing the views to help my own memories.   

I walked along the beach too, scoping out a good location to paint the next day, and found a 3 pebbles to save.  Each time we went to Moonstone Beach, Gary and I would gather "theme" pebbles.  One year he'd look for jelly bean shapes and colors.  Another, it was all white, or all green or all brown.  They sit in jars in our sun room.  I must confess, it's not as fun gathering them, without someone to show your special "find" to. 

Painting reference

Back at the room, I worked on a sketch for the beach painting to be done the next day.  It is an amazing thing to have uninterrupted time.  Throughout my retreat, I kept thinking, "What?  It's ONLY 5:00?" instead of the typical "What?  It's 5:00 ALREADY?"  Here's a preview of the scene I was planning to paint "plein air" (outdoors). 

At dinner time I got a Tri-tip Sandwich to go at the Main Street Grill in Cambria and brought it to my room and saved half for lunch the next day. 

The evening's entertainment was the film, "Miss Potter" about Beatrix Potter starring Rene Zellweger.  I've seen it before, but somehow it seemed fitting for this occasion.  One of her comments as she was anticipating the publishing of her Peter Rabbit book was "We shall look upon it as an 'adventure'.  It is a very sweet story, and I related on many levels; especially her love of watercolors, and the outdoors and her losses. 

Monday

One of the reasons we love the Fogcatcher is the complementary breakfast!  It is not just danish rolls, mind you, it is the real deal, complete with sausage, eggs, waffles, and pastries.  Peets coffee and a tray to take it to your room if you want.  Now, about the room...Cozy, and facing the ocean, the view from here was better than the nicest restaurant. 

I had brought along "The Glory of Heaven" by our pastor, John MacArthur because I decided to focus my thoughts on Heaven this week.  I want to think about Gary's future (and mine).  A couple of thoughts on this...Since, as Christians, our "citizenship is in Heaven," (Phil. 3;20), we already belong there.  It's where we are going one day and we can benefit partially now, from all the bounty of Heaven.  Something else...To be "absent from the body is to be at home with the Lord!" So when we're in our earthly bodies, we are not at home with the Lord.  We are walking by faith not by sight.  One day, Gary will shut his eyes for the last time, and when he passes into eternal life, he will walk by sight, not by faith.  His faith will become sight! 

I spent the rest of the morning painting the view out my window.  I'm only including one tree because I'm allowed to do it however I want!  :) Here's the start of it.

The afternoon was spent browsing the gift shops and galleries in town.   This might seem odd, but it reminded me of Gary too.  He enjoyed looking in all the "cute little shops" as he called them.  We never came to the Central Coast without coming home with a new plant from a local nursery.  One favorite place in town, is an old house, complete with gardens in back, and each room in the house is a showroom.  The mud room is for gardening related gifts, and the kitchen is where they sell herbs, essential oils, and potpourri.  Out back there is a 'fairy' garden with cute displays.  This is where we first saw a Newport Fairy Rose bush.  It is an aggressive rose, and gets really big.  Gary bought one 15 years ago, at the same shoppe and planted it by out arbor out back.  in no time it covered the big arbor and was beautiful.  It was one of the things I hated to leave when we moved.  Seeing it again, made me miss Gary. 

In the late afternoon, the lighting was just right and the tide was low enough to go back and paint the outdoor scene.  I got set up in just the right spot, on the sand, and began the fun challenge of capturing the beauty and feeling of the place, while keeping up a pace to beat the encroaching waves and mist as the wind began to pick up.  I suppose I was out there for 90 minutes before snapping a couple more photos and calling it quits, planning to finish it up later. 

The day ended with another long walk and a good dinner.  This time, Asian Chicken Salad.

Tuesday

Breakfast. Reading about Heaven. Prayer. Painting.  Frequently I would start to think of doing something...such as going for a coffee refill and ask myself "Will Gary be ok if I go downstairs and get the coffee?"  "Oh, yea, he's not here.  Go ahead and get the coffee."  It's a big adjustment being 'on my own.'  One thing caught me really off guard and hit me hard.  I decided to wash the windows before heading out.  As I did, it reminded me how Gary loved to do that whenever we were getting ready to travel.  He took great pride in getting them streak free.  Silly, what makes you get emotional, but I really missed him right then, washing my car windows in the hotel parking lot. 

I stopped for one last long look at the ocean at the south end of the beach on my way out, and had a snack there.  I decided that I would like to do this again, maybe next year.  It would be nice to look forward to.  I was able to go to the same places Gary and I shared together, and enjoy myself.  It was a happy/sad time, but I know he would want me to be doing these things and that makes me feel bold about venturing out a little. 

Driving home, normal anticipation of being with my love again was clouded by the knowledge that he wouldn't be able to participate in my joy.  But in a weird way he does.  We are 'one flesh.'  My joy or sadness is his, and his is mine.  On the way home, I stopped for a late lunch in Solvang, which was OUR first stop on our honeymoon road trip 39 1/2 years ago.  I was facing more memories, and again, It was ok.   When I got home and greeted Gary I wish I could say he responded but he didn't.  I told him all about my time, away and maybe he caught some of it, but I couldn't tell.  I put the 3 pebbles in his hand, and helped him hold them for a minute.  Hopefully it brought back a good feeling for him like it did for me. 

"Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."  Psalm 23:6

Never Forget

I want to remember the "old" Gary. 

2004

One of my greatest fears is that when Gary is gone to Heaven, is that I won’t remember how he was in the past.  His strong body is wasted away, and there isn’t much left.  He looks so different.  His muscle wasting has revealed his skeleton, covered only by his skin.  His skin is easily bruised, especially on his fore arms where the slightest bump can cause a minor skin tear.   His remaining muscles can barely support his own weight and only with two helpers.  Shaving is difficult because his cheeks are so sunken.  His eyes no longer twinkle with an unspoken private joke.  They usually look right past me.  His voice is unused.  His attempts at speech are lip movement only.  His mouth is open all the time, causing his saliva to thicken and his mouth to get dry.   

Stealing a kiss on Valentines Day.  Three months ago.  He's lost more weight since then.

Gary is comfortable and content.  Except for meals, he is asleep.  His Dr. said that most people with Alzheimer’s at this stage are no longer eating.  Because he is a young Alzheimer’s victim, who had a strong body to start with he is doing better than most.  Most of his energy is going to digestion, organ support, and the disease itself, and so he is very, very sleepy all day.  He sleeps in the recliner from 9:00-2:00 and then back to bed for the rest of the day.  Swallowing is getting more challenging so food has to be just the right consistency for him.  Many meals are only partially eaten because he falls asleep.  It seems the final decline may be right around the corner. 

Sometimes I want to scream at the disease…“STOP THIS!”  It feels like a powerful train engine, slowly moving forward.  My attempts at jumping in front of it to try to hold it back would be useless.   Instead I am trying to make it a pleasant ride down the tracks for both of us.  I play his favorite hymns, swab his dry mouth with cool water, and remind him of the past with a familiar touch and voice.  I try to take care of myself too, with nourishment for my mind, soul and body. 

One of the reasons I write a blog and post old photos are to help my heart remember.  I saved a recording of Gary’s voice on a voice mail message several years ago.  I play it when I want to hear him talking.

I want to remember these Alzheimer's years too. 

Dear friends who are moving away this month came to say 'goodbye' to Gary and I.

They are rich.  They are precious.  In many ways more sweet than the 30 years before dementia came in the door.  Gary is still Gary.  It’s just that his brain and body are dying.  God’s promises are still true.  "I will never leave you nor forsake you." (Jesus)  

I don’t want to forget the sights and sounds of this hard journey.  It’s all part of the bond and love in marriage, and joy of serving Christ together.  We are on our way to Heaven, both of us.  This world is not our home.  We’re just passing through mortality and one day will put on immortality.   Every part of this life is valuable and worthy to be remembered because the past, present, and future are all connected.  I don't want to "discount" the last few years as wasted.  I have the privilege of assisting my beloved Gary along his difficult way.  Along the way I get to observe some of the amazing things God is doing in our lives. 

"But having the same spirit of faith, according to what is written, 'I believed, therefore I spoke,' we also believe, therefore we also speak, knowing that He who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and will present us with you.  For all things are for your sakes, so that the grace which is spreading to more and more people may cause the giving of thanks to abound to the glory of God. 

Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. (2 Corinthians 4)

I want to look forward.

For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look NOT at the things which are SEEN, but at the things which are NOT SEEN; for the things which are seen are TEMPORAL, but the things which are not seen are ETERNAL."  (2 Corinthians 4:13-18)

For we know that i the earthly tent (body) which is our house is torn down, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. " (5:1)

Life is a Continuum

It's not that hard to remember his past because it is tied to his present and future. 

Past - Gary's sense of humor directed at the important things in his life.  Even thoughts of life and death, reflected in this favorite book of his.  It's a collection of funny and serious epitaphs. 

Present - Now that he is nearing the end of his life, it seems appropriate to think about his life and the seriousness of eternal things. 

Future - One day he WILL be in eternity, as we all will.

He had a favorite epitaph in the book, that I heard him tell people about many times.  Gary is still with us of course, but I think would be appropriate to share today.   He has it highlighted...

I can't imagine seeing this on a tombstone, but it's so poignant.

May I encourage you...

• Record yourself sharing your testimony so your family will have your voice and story to remember.    We wish we done this with Gary.
• Ladies, nurture your relationship with your husband, and learn to follow his lead so you will be able to move confidently through a trial knowing what he'd want you to do.  Don't waste the years in complaining about trivia.
• During a trial, no mater how small or large, hang on tenaciously to God, trusting Him, knowing that there are future blessings in store, as well as good surprises along the way.
• Believers, let us learn more about Heaven and think on it often.  That is where we will be for eternity.  God has much to tell us about it in His word. "...they will see His face..." (Rev 22)
• Unbelievers, think about your future.  We don't know the number of our days as a mortal, but everyone will live for eternity in Heaven or Hell.  Make sure you give thought to this now when there is time.   To read more...

Watercolor Journals - The Secret Place

"The Secret Place”

based on “The Secret Garden,” by F. H. Burnett

“And the secret garden bloomed and bloomed and every morning revealed new miracles. In the robin’s nest there were Eggs and the robin’s mate sat upon them keeping them warm with her feathery little breast and careful wings. At first she was very nervous and the robin himself was indignantly watchful. Even Dickon did not go near the close-grown corner in those days, but waited until by the quiet working of some mysterious spell he seemed to have conveyed to the soul of the little pair that in the garden there was nothing which was not quite like themselves—nothing which did not understand the wonderfulness of what was happening to them—the immense, tender, terrible, heart-breaking beauty and solemnity of Eggs. If there had been one person in that garden who had not known through all his or her innermost being that if an Egg were taken away or hurt the whole world would whirl round and crash through space and come to an end—if there had been even one who did not feel it and act accordingly there could have been no happiness even in that golden springtime air. But they all knew it and felt it and the robin and his mate knew they knew it.”  From Chapter 25, The Secret Garden

Being pregnant with our first daughter, brought out the nesting instinct in me.  A hand-me-down crib required a coat of paint, bedding and a new mattress.  We chose yellow, because in those days, no one knew the gender until the baby arrived.  I made a Noah’s Ark mobile to hang above the crib. The cabinet received a new coat of varnish.  The drawers were lined with pieces of the green and yellow wallpaper and the shower gifts were placed inside.  Her room was warm, safe and ready. 21 years later she would leave her nest.  A few years later her sister would leave as well.  Now they have their own nests, and the cozy ritual goes on.  Getting ready for little ones is one of the greatest privileges in life.