Seeking Caregivers?

"WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR GREAT CAREGIVERS?"

From those seeking practical dementia related advice, that’s my most Frequently Asked Question to date.  The answer is, “lots of places.”  Over the years, Gary’s care needs ranged from accompanying him on a walk with him, to complete physical care.  We had a team of family, friends, volunteers from church, agency care givers, private hire care givers and home health aides (through hospice).

Perhaps you can no longer leave your loved one alone.  You need to go to work, or need respite time.  You are ready to hire a care giver.  I hope that my experiences will be helpful as you navigate this new season in your family’s life.    

For both my parents (in their 90’s) and Gary, I have used a care giving agency AND have hired my own caregivers.  Between my mom and dad, and Gary, I was managing eight caregivers concurrently, for over a year.   There are benefits and challenges with each method.  Mainly it depends on your availability and your personality. 

Many think it is not possible to have private pay caregivers and do it legally, without paying “cash under the table” to hide the income, but this is not true.  Payroll can be done properly with use of an online payroll system.  There are many payroll services, but I used Intuit.com $20/month. At hiring time, I entered the employee’s information, then each week, entered their hours and mileage if any.  Intuit generated the pay stub and I wrote the check.  Caregivers are classified as Household Employees by the IRS so you don’t have to withhold their personal income tax.  You DO however have to withhold and contribute for FICA (Social Security and Medicare) and a few other taxes, but like I said, Intuit does all this calculating for you.  Then they generate the Quarterly tax forms when they are due. 

These observations are based on my experience and are intended as an overview.  Please do your own research regarding your own situation.

This entire post (including the table below) is available as a pdf file. To print, click HERE

A couple of suggestions to get started if you choose to…

 Use an agency

 1.      Ask around for some word-of-mouth recommendations.

 2.      Call the agency to set up an interview.

 OR...Hire your own caregivers

 1.      Be sure you have the personality to hire and fire, keep records, and do payroll, AND the connections where you can find some good, qualified people.  I personally would be hesitant to advertise in the paper.  I met someone in our Alz. support ministry at our church, and also advertised for caregivers in our church opportunity sheet.  Either way, you’ll need to manage the caregivers, by training them to the specifics that your loved one needs.  (Their tastes in food, music, tv, hobbies, etc.) 

2.      Call your homeowner’s insurance.  Ask them if they cover household workers if they get injured in your home

3.      Ask around.  Talk to lots of friends and acquaintances.  Maybe someone knows someone…etc.  Run an ad in your church opportunity sheet.  State the job requirements, hours rate of pay, and the qualifications you require.

SAMPLE:  Elderly couple in Santa Clarita, need part time caregiver.  Must be able to assist with transfers from bed to wheelchair, provide transportation to appointments, (fit wheelchair/walker in trunk and have a good driving record. Assistance with phone calls.  Housekeeping (laundry, meals, cleaning, etc).  Assistance with bathing.   Certified Nursing Assistant level of experience preferred but not required.  Must have strong communication skills.  Character and/or professional references needed.  Rate: $10/hour and $.50 per mile for use of car.  2-3 days needed.  (Especially weekends) 7:00am-3:30pm.  Payroll status: “Household employee” for tax purposes.  Contact information: (your info here)

4.      Integrate the paid caregivers with the free services available.   Friends or family who offer to help regularly, Hospice aids (if hospice is involved) should be worked into the routine for your loved one.  If a friend has offered to help you on a regular basis, reduce your care giving needs by that amount of time.    

5.      Be flexible.  There may be seasons when an agency is a better fit than a private caregiver.  For instance, most of our caregivers were folks from our church, so when it became impossible for Gary to attend church with me, we had an agency caregiver who was willing to work on Sundays.

6.      Build a team.  We started with one agency caregiver, and as Gary’s needs increased over several years, we eventually had four plus a hospice aide.  If someone was sick, or planning to be out of town, it gave me some others to call on.  Sometimes my plans had to be changed, because there was no one available, but that was true with the agency too.

Take your time in deciding what to do.  It may feel like you must decide immediately but a little more thought sometimes is just what you need to be confident with your decision.  As with anything new, there is an adjustment period.  Give your choice a chance to work out, before you panic and go back to "square one."  Communicate with your new care giver to help them understand your loved one.  I truly hope you have benefited by our experiences.  Gary would be pleased as well.  

Please feel free to ask questions in the comments below. 

My Grief Diary - A Special Meal

(NOTE:  If you're looking for Gary's Memorial Video, you can find it on the Home page.)

I've been a widow for six weeks.  My encounters with grief have been varied and haphazard.  Sometimes sorrow surprises me, and at other times it builds up slowly.  

I don't have a clear view of what to expect, since everyone grieves differently but occasionally I hope to share a bit of what it's like, for me, and how I'm doing.  Actually, I've been grieving for many years.  Every time Gary reached a new limitation, I was sad for a time.  New losses brought new kinds of sorrow, but once we adjusted to our new situation, I found we could flourish within our limitations.  I'm expecting that process to continue.

Two days after Gary went to Heaven, I suggested that our family go to dinner at Gary's favorite restaurant.  "Damon's Steakhouse" has been a Glendale landmark since 1937, which explains why Gary's dad, Tom, used to go there on dates.  Gary and I used to go there on dates too.  In 1980 because of the Glendale Galleria project, Damon's moved to it's current location on Brand.  (Behind the Center Theater and right next to Porto's) Our family considered it THE place to go for celebrations. 

 

 

Somehow, it seemed strangely important to go there and eat a Top Sirloin, stuffed baked potato, salad (tossed at the table and with amazing dressing) and garlic cheese bread "for Gary."  I wasn't sure how emotional I would be, but I decided to "not care" and go anyway. 

 

 

 

 

 

The fun 50's Tiki-style motif was not lost on the kids.  While we waited for our food, we walked around and looked at the huge salt water aquarium and shell lamps.  There's even an outrigger canoe hanging from the ceiling with monkeys in it.  Once the food arrived and after we prayed, we dug in.  It was then that I was overwhelmed with joy mingled with missing my love.  I looked around the table at our dear ones, and wished Gary was with us, but at the same time I was so happy we were all together in one of Gary's favorite places.  So amongst my tears and smiles, memories flooded back into my mind.  Romantic dinners, anniversaries, birthday celebrations...  Gary, April and I had even had dinner there on our way to the hospital while awaiting the birth of Sarah's firstborn. 

 

The last time we were there was our anniversary in 2010, when Gary was in the middle stages of Alzheimer's.  The evening had a rough start, but eventually he (and I) both enjoyed ourselves, even though I knew at the time, it would likely be our last meal at Damon's together.  see photo ->

 

It's OK

As a grieving widow, I'm learning that it's ok to cry AND it's ok to laugh.  Remembering is a really good thing to do because it keeps the joy in your life along with the inevitable sadness.  I don't feel the slightest bit guilty for enjoying my meal six weeks ago.  Every bite and flavor reminded me of some very good times, and I'm grateful that God designed us with the capacity to enjoy the world He made, and miss those who added to it's beauty.

 

"A merry heart does good like a medicine." 

Proverbs 17:22

If you're in Southern California, and you want to make a memory with a good steak or seafood, click on the photo or HERE for info on Damon's.


 

Celebrating Gary's Life

It was a joy to celebrate Gary's life three weeks ago with many of you.  There are few events in my life that have been so meaningful.  Thinking through his whole life, as I wrote his story,  gathering the photos for his Eulogy, and selecting his favorite music, often brought me to tears of joy.  Over the most recent years, I've wanted new friends and younger grandchildren to know the "old," healthy Gary.  His memorial service was the opportunity.  Looking farther back, it always amazed me how Gary's life was transformed by God.  That was the best part of his story. 

April made the comment that "It's nice that we do Memorial services, because they give us a purposeful way to remember."  So true.  I'd been thinking about Gary's life for a long time during his steady decline, but planning this tribute has been a significant part of the grieving process for our family.  Many who attended, had the same experience.  We want to remember the things we love.  I love my husband, and many of you did too. 

Thank you to all our friends who helped our family realize the dreams and plans we had for this very special day.  And though Gary would not have wanted so much attention, we wouldn't have changed a thing. 

If you missed the memorial, you can watch it right here if you'd like. It includes tributes from family members, friends, and our Pastor John MacArthur, the Eulogy video, and reception photos.  It is not brief but of course, neither was Gary's life.  (If you are reading this via email, you'll have to click the "Read in Browser" link at the bottom of your email.) 

NOTE: My apologies if you already received this post.  I was having a problem with the RSS feed, and needed to republish the post for those of you who subscribe to my blog.

Celebrating Gary's Life

It was a joy to celebrate Gary's life three weeks ago with many of you.  There are few events in my life that have been so meaningful.  Thinking through his whole life, as I wrote his story,  gathering the photos for his Eulogy, and selecting his favorite music, often brought me to tears of joy.  Over the most recent years, I've wanted new friends and younger grandchildren to know the "old," healthy Gary.  His memorial service was the opportunity.  Looking farther back, it always amazed me how Gary's life was transformed by God.  That was the best part of his story. 

April made the comment that "It's nice that we do Memorial services, because they give us a purposeful way to remember."  So true.  I'd been thinking about Gary's life for a long time during his steady decline, but planning this tribute has been a significant part of the grieving process for our family.  Many who attended, had the same experience.  We want to remember the things we love.  I love my husband, and many of you did too. 

Thank you to all our friends who helped our family realize the dreams and plans we had for this very special day.  And though Gary would not have wanted so much attention, we wouldn't have changed a thing. 

If you missed the memorial, you can watch it right here if you'd like. It includes tributes from family members, friends, and our Pastor John MacArthur, the Eulogy video, and reception photos.  It is not brief but of course, neither was Gary's life.  (If you are reading this via email, you'll have to click the "Read in Browser" link at the bottom of your email.

Three Things (Tidbits & Treasures)

#1  "Bon Voyage, Jessica!"

This is Jessica.  She has been so helpful to me for over a year and is moving away to a home near the ocean.  Because she took care of so many "business-type" aspects for me at Colors By Laurie, it really expanded my creative time.  I painted a sailboat for her because she loves them, and it represents her new adventures now that she is out of high school.  I will truly miss her, and thank God for her.  "Bon Voyage, thank you, Jess!"

 

(I will have more to say about this painting in a Watercolor Journal post and it may become a print available to purchase.)


#2  "Life Partners"

Ron/Julie Long, Don/Ann Sweetnam, Doug/Debi Wilson, Greg/Diane Roehr, Ric/Kathy Lebrecht, and our leaders, Ray/Barb Brown

Ron/Julie Long, Don/Ann Sweetnam, Doug/Debi Wilson, Greg/Diane Roehr, Ric/Kathy Lebrecht, and our leaders, Ray/Barb Brown

I have so much to say about Gary's memorial service, but for now, I couldn't wait to post these photos of some very dear friends.  This group from La Crescenta Baptist Church, was such a huge part of our life when we were first married and having our babies.  What a joy it was to see most of them together again. 

 

Roehrs, Don and Chris Carlson, Lebrechts

Roehrs, Don and Chris Carlson, Lebrechts

We were so involved with each other outside of Sunday mornings, working on each other's homes and gardens, making Christmas gifts, beach days, and play-dates for the kids.  There were so many spiritually significant times too, as we learned God's plan for our lives and helped each other root out sin and grow together.  I love this group of people and hope we can do a better job of staying in touch.  It meant so much to me that they were able to come. I love them all!


#3 Relaxing With My Friend

 

I'm still adjusting to being a widow, and there has been much to do.  Paperwork, and decisions have been the norm here, since Gary's service.  I had scheduled a get-a-way with my friend, Christy, months ago for a couple of days this week.  With all the busyness, it comes at a good time, and thankfully, we'll be going up to the Central Coast, where we had gone with our husbands back in 2004. 

 

 

 

 

 

We have had little time to talk over the last few years, and I'm so happy we have time to catch up.

I was just here 10 days ago with the family, and it seems so soon to be back, but my friend and I are having a wonderful time. 

 

 

 

It was so funny today, when going in shops how often I found myself saying, "Gary would have loved this (thing)."  I don't know anyone who could "out-shop" him. 

I love thinking about Gary in this place.  It will always be a precious memory for me. 

Truly Comforting...

"...the dead in Christ will rise first.  Then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we shall always be with the Lord.  Therefore, comfort one another with these words." 

1 Thessalonians 4:17-18


Little Changes

I LOVE painting, and have many ideas for new watercolors.  I actually just finished another one last night.  I am so happy to have more time in my day to give to my creative side.  Because there's time to think while getting lost in the process, I'm able to think, and dream.  Then sometimes I write out my thoughts

I'd like to do a painting of our old home in Sunland to remind our family of all the great memories.  I'm really enjoying doing ocean/beach themes prompted by our trips to the Central Coast.  I have a few more baby animal paintings in mind too.

Life is Brief

SET BD.JPG

Parents know this, and so do widows.  Before you know it, another year is gone, and opportunities are squandered or embraced.   As I mentioned in the last post, the freedom and time I have been given is precious.  In order to give my self more fully to family, ministry, painting and writing, I've decided to scale back on some parts of my Colors By Laurie artwork, and step away from the greeting cards. 

I will continue to offer commissioned paintings (home portraits, monograms, baby names), and prints for sale, but I'm phasing out the greeting cards.  The cards will be available for a limited time, so if you would like to purchase any, head on over to my shop soon.  There are some fun new sets of four and other good deals while they last.

Loosing Gary reminds me to value the time we've been given.  Hopefully I will spend my allotment well.

"So teach us to number our days, that we may present to You a heart of wisdom."  Psalm 90:12

"A short life is wisely spent."  Charles Spurgeon

 

What's Next?

(A quick note here before I get started...  Our family wants to say a huge THANK YOU to those of you who came to Gary's celebration service on Saturday.  It was a truly wonderful morning.  Your presence with us was SO SPECIAL and my heart is about to burst with things I want to say about the morning.  That's for another post.   If you had to miss the service, it was recorded, and I'll let you know when it's available.)

Not sure what it will be yet...but right now, am basking in God's love, remembering my amazing husband, and thinking about the future.  In the three weeks since Gary's departure, many of you have asked me this question...

"So what are you going to be doing now?" 

Now that my number one love and ministry is not needing me anymore, my life is going to look a little different. 

One thing that struck me yesterday, is that the faithfulness of God has not diminished just because Gary is not here with me anymore.  God was faithful and good to Gary.  That was evident in his life.  The same faithful and good God is MY God too.  I am excited to see how He will display that in MY life in the years I have left. 

I don't know the details yet, but I do know some things for sure...  I want to spend more time with younger women, encouraging them to live lives pleasing to God.  (Titus 2)  I am looking forward to more time with grandkids so I can help them along the way as I enjoy them. 

"Only give heed to yourself and keep your soul diligently, so that you do not forget the things which your eyes have seen and they do not depart from your heart all the days of your life; but make them known to your sons and your grandsons." Deut. 4:9

As I move into my new role as a widow, there will be things to learn and discover.  Gary would want me to embrace it, and try to see God's work in my life.  There will be grief, but that is normal.  I will try to seek comfort from the Lord. 

In my home, Alzheimer's Disease is gone but I'm not walking away from those who are suffering from it.  I'm going to have more time now to help with our Alzheimer's Support Ministry at church.  I intend to continue making the little instructional videos to encourage care givers, and provide other resources as well.

Peace

I stood on our favorite beach yesterday, and cried, because the final chapter of Gary's life is finished, and I miss him.  It won't be the last tears, but there is peace in the missing.  It's so hard to explain and if you are a Christian, you know what I mean.  It's a deep-seated joy and comfort that comes from the One who gave His life in exchange for mine.  He said He would never leave or forsake me and he hasn't.  He said nothing would separate me from His love and it hasn't.  Gary is gone, but I am not alone.  I'm anticipating a closer relationship with the Lord, and new opportunities to see His grace and love in my life. 

I know there will be aspects of my future that will be really difficult but not impossible.  As you can see from this photo from Gary's Bible (Romans 8), nothing can separate Christians from the love of Christ.  In verse 38 you can see that includes DEATH.  Gary has died, but lives on.  He is fine.  I am fine.  I'm very much loved by God, because I'm in Christ.'  v.39

There will be joyful and sad discoveries, strange new feelings, and things to learn in these next weeks.  I'm wanting to bring you along this next part of my journey too.  Thank you for caring.  Thank you for listening.  I love to share with you and hope to continue doing so. 

Happy-Sad

It is hard to describe the opposing feelings within me.  Sadness and loss, are intensified, even though I've been saying "goodbye" to Gary for a long time.  The hopes of him smiling at me, or saying a word, or noticing if I walk through the room, are over.  But now there is something new.  Feelings of joy and satisfaction, for Gary's new condition.  He is finally "home" and I am so relieved and thrilled for him.  There is a new happy freedom for me too, as I can come and go, without giving thought to arranging for caregivers or concerns for Gary's well being.

He is fine now, "extremely fine,"  but I miss him.  When his body was taken away, it was really hard for me.  It was the form that his soul was housed in for nearly 65 years, and I loved the whole man.  Inside and out.  The finality of death added a new level of sadness to my life.  It was just the shell he lived in, but I've been one flesh with him for 40 years, and that is over.  "Widow" is a new title for me, but I'm Gary's widow, and he has shaped me.  We shaped each other.  God used us in each others' lives to cause growth.  I'm forever grateful to him. 

In this odd little time between Gary's death and his Memorial Service, coming up on Saturday, I've been crying and laughing.  I find myself habitually looking in our room to see how he is, feeling strange at the grocery store, when I don't need to pick up Gary's foods, and wishing he was here to talk to even though he couldn't respond.  But preparing for Saturday, is new and different, and I'm loving going through the old photos and memories as I write his eulogy.  It's such a neat way to receive comfort.  After next week, I'm sure I will start to explore the "new normal," but for now, I'm doing ok, and enjoying the busy preparations. 

Thank you all who are so lovingly caring for our family during this time.  My heart is empty and full and I'm ok with that.

Memorial Service

You are most welcome to join our family as we celebrate and remember Gary's life on Saturday, May 30, at Grace Community Church, (13248 Roscoe Blvd., Sun Valley, CA 91352) at 9:30 am in the Worship Center.  Reception following.

 




"Till Death Us Do Part"

Forty years ago I said “…till death do us part.”  Two days ago we were parted and I said “good-bye” to my Gary. For the last nine years I have been grieving the loss of my husband, and dreading the moment in time when we would be separated from each other and now it is here. I can’t wait to see him again, in Glory, where Gary and I will be face to face with the One who made it possible for us to keep our vows and love each other “no matter what.” My heart is empty and full at the same time.

Thank you for your love and prayers.

Memorial Service

You are most welcome to join our family as we celebrate and remember Gary's life on Saturday, May 30, at Grace Community Church, (13248 Roscoe Blvd., Sun Valley, CA 91352) at 9:30 am in the Worship Center.  Reception following.

"Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his godly ones." Psalm 116:15

Journey's End

If you have been following my blog for any time at all then you know about my dear Gary's Alzheimer's Disease.  Though his nine year decline has been very gradual, to the point of him being bed-bound over the last year, things have changed dramatically over the last week and now he is nearing the end of his earthly life.  Thankfully, he is comfortable and peaceful.  Our family is rejoicing for him as he gets to go to his eternal home with Christ, but our hearts are heavy as we must say good-bye soon. We are sharing some sweet memories with each other and telling him how much we love him.  He is very close to the end of a long journey. 

A sweet comfort to my heart is this promise in the Bible to those who love and follow Jesus.   May it encourage you too.

"Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Thank you,
Laurie

What's in a Name?

I'm a grandma...a happy, proud, privileged grandma.  When our daughters were expecting each bundle of joy, and once a name had been chosen, I began designing a painting for each baby.  These very special, custom paintings are some of my favorite projects ever.  I would love to paint one for you too!  Most people are surprised at some of the details, so I'm going to introduce you to one of these paintings, up close and personal.

THE THEME:  This is the starting point. Because it's going to be displayed on the nursery wall, it should enhance the room decor such as Carnival, Western, Garden, Pirate, Woodland, etc.  THE NAME: The letters in the name are represented by objects which begin with each letter.  THE LITTLE ONE: A little boy or girl will be somewhere in the painting too.  THE MEANING OF THE NAME: I work the meaning of the name into the scene.  This is often the trickiest part because it must support the painting's theme.  THE BIRTH DATE: If the painting is given as a gift AFTER the baby is born, the birth date can also be included in the picture.

The Watercolorful Name paintings are the most complicated and thoughtful paintings I do as I am coordinating all these elements into a treasured family keepsake.  To learn more about ordering click HERE!

If you want to explore these paintings more, I'm having a TREASURE HUNT CONTEST on my Facebook page right now!  It ends Saturday at 6:00 pm.  The prize is 25% off of any item in my shop.  So, head on over to Facebook and look for Colors By Laurie to enter. 

Gary's Prayers - "The Basics"

(Back in 2010, even though Gary's language skills were waning, he would still pray at meals.  I wrote down some of these prayers in my journal.)

November 7, 2010

"Thank you for giving us friends.  For giving us opportunity. Also for food.  Amen" G.P.

Friends, opportunity and food.  These three are a good reminder to me too. 

  1. I'm thankful for a good friend who is helping me navigate some new accounting software.  I love to paint and be creative, but numbers are not my thing, so she is a huge blessing to me. 
  2. I'm so glad for the opportunity to go to a very special wedding this weekend.  Caregivers are lined up and our daughter is in town for the event.  Looking forward to seeing many old friends.
  3. I am thankful for the nutritious food that Gary is still able to eat.  It's pureed but tasty.

What are some reasons you are thanking God for your friends, opportunities, and food?  Care to share in the comments (at bottom of page) to encourage others?

"In everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:18

One, Two, Three, etc.

Today is a big day!  I finished a third "How-To" video.  I've waited to announce this series on my blog, because  it takes "three" to make a series.  This is just the beginning!  I have so many more I want to make.  After 9 years of living with Alzheimer's, Gary and I have experienced many things.  Some things have become so valuable to us, that I just HAVE TO SHARE.  If a picture is worth a thousand words, a short video is worth even more. 

 

 


My mind is flooded with ideas, so get ready to see regular additions to the Creative Ideas on my Alzheimer's page.  I'll put all three videos right here on this post.  Just click on the image to watch. 

<-----"Who Am I?" (2.5 min. Video)

(NOTE: If you are an email subscriber and are reading this post in an email you'll have to click on "View in Browser" in order to play the videos.)

 

 


 

 

Many of the ideas have come from others and the books on my Book Review section, but hopefully these short videos will be a quick help to others.

                     "What Can I Do?" (3 min. Video) ---->

 

 


 

<------"What Can I Work On?"  (3 min. Video)

The BIG IDEA here is to focus on what the loved one CAN STILL DO and help them do it.  Wishing, prodding, and hoping that they will be like they used be is only frustrating for them and sad for you. 

 

 

Please share these videos with anyone who would benefit.  You can share this post anywhere, or share the videos from YouTube. I'd love to get feedback from you too.

Flowers in the Wilderness

One of the HUGE blessings of our Alzheimer's journey has been the refreshing, and fulfilling opportunity to be creative again.  It would be hard to explain how much it means to me to be able to paint my watercolors and share them with you.  Each painting is a little "vacation from my problems," to quote Bob Wiley.  It gives me time to reflect, and learn from life.  Once finished I get the privilege of bringing joy to you, my friends, through my art.  If Gary weren't sick, I would probably not have found my love of painting again. 

This little two minute video explains the "Why" behind Colors By Laurie.  Our friend, Jason made it for me.  He is the young man that lived with us for 6 months to help Gary.  (For more on that story see HERE.)  It is awkward and humbling to promote myself, but thankfully, this was Jason's idea and I couldn't be happier with the result. I've been surprised and blown away by the Facebook response already.   You may have seen it at my Colors By Laurie Facebook page, but if not, just click on the image below.  Then if you feel so inclined, please share, pin, post, email or whatever to your friends.  (to share the video, just click the little paper airplane in the upper right hand corner of the video.) 

Thank you for your love, care and prayers. 

Grasping at Straws

2011 11 November Cambria Moonstone Beach.JPG

The months are marching on.  Gary is sleeping through them.  He wakes a few times a day, and I tend to his physical needs.  His senses and strength are minimized to almost nothing.  I wonder that he is still living.  But he is living, and the other day, I cried just at the thought of him not being here.  I must confess mixed emotions and am not sure how to pace my life and thoughts, hoping that God will take him home to heaven where he can have a perfect mind, but joyful that he is still my earthly companion.    I’m so grateful that I’m not the one to decide Gary’s ultimate, and final departure from our marriage and this life.  I leave that to his Creator.

Connecting

Meanwhile, I still love him, and am finding joy in the littlest things.  Years ago I was the typical wife, full of expectations.  If Gary didn’t give me the attention I wanted, I was tempted to complain.  Things are different now.  Because those more obvious acts of love are missing, I am learning to appreciate more subtle “connections.” 

2006 - Gary shares his ice cream with grandson, Micah.&nbsp;

2006 - Gary shares his ice cream with grandson, Micah. 

When Gary's eyes open, sometimes for as long as 30 seconds, I spring into action, to get in front of his gaze hoping for a look of recognition, or I place one of his orchids on his tray table in front of him.  The funny thing is, by the time I have the plant in place, he’s asleep again, but I like to try anyway.   

Occasionally I give him his favorite…Coffee ice cream.  Only a few bites, but I think he still likes it based on how he eagerly takes it off the spoon.  It makes me smile because it reminds me of his nightly ritual bowl of ice cream for many, many years. 

 
Commentary on Romans by H. Ironside

Commentary on Romans by H. Ironside

When he makes a monotone, humming sound I try to discern if he needs something, or is trying to sing, or speak.  I ask him to tell me more, and find myself praying that I will understand if I need to. 

I come across an underline in a book he’s read.  I read it to see what was important to him.  What did he want to remember?  It helps me continue to follow his lead, even now.

 

 

In past years, we talked and laughed and loved.  Currently our interactions are few and far between as I grasp at the straws of what’s left of Gary’s abilities.  I don’t have too many regrets over the years,  but it's good to remember that we can always be more appreciative and encouraging in our relationships.  I share these little incidents with you in the hopes that you will make the most of every opportunity to love your spouse, (or anyone in your life).  We are not promised next year or even tomorrow.  Don’t waste the time you’ve been given with your loved one.  

Redeem the Time

"Since you have in obedience to the truth purified your souls for a sincere love of the brethren, fervently love one another from the heart, for you have been born again not of seed which is perishable but imperishable, that is , through the living and enduring word of God.  For, ALL FLESH IS LIKE GRASS, AND ALL ITS GLORY LIKE THE FLOWER OF THE GRASS.  THE GRASS WITHERS, AND THE FLOWER FALLS OFF, BUT THE WORD OF THE LORD ENDURES FOREVER."  (1 Peter 1:22-25)

What Is Going On In There?

I wish I could see into Gary's brain sometimes to see what is going on in there.  How many of the normal brain cells are left?  What does he think?  DOES he think?  What does he perceive?  Is it just images and sounds that mean nothing?  I'm sure there is something going on, because he tries to wipe his mouth or itch his nose, but his arm is too weak to reach all the way.  He looks right at me, occasionally, but I can't tell if he knows me.  He still eats so I know his brain is still causing him to respond to food in his mouth.  So anyway, I really like this 3 minute animated video describing what happens to a person's brain when they have Alzheimer's Disease.  I have watched Gary progress through nearly all of these stages.  I'm not real good with clinical explanations, and that's why I like this.  Many of you know someone with Alzheimer's so I hope it is helpful for you too. 

This devastating illness separates loved ones with an invisible wall,  yet I am confident that Gary is not alone.  There is One that knows exactly what is happening deep in Gary's brain, and He will love him to the end.  Gary's Savior, Jesus Christ is not on vacation or asleep and even though Gary's mind is being taken over by the disease, he is being loved and cared for, by his Lord, just like King David.

"O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O Lord, You know it all.
You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it.

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
When I awake, I am still with You."  Psalm 139

Gift Idea for Young Collectors

Here's a fun gift idea for kids.   Our granddaughter has loved horses for a really long time.  She collects pictures of them.  SOOOOO... Choose a colorful 2" binder (Bright pink's her favorite color.)  Get the kind with the clear sleeves on the cover.  This was at Target for @$4.50. 

I think the "D" ring type is the best so the pages lay flat and don't get messed up.

Find some dividers.  I already had these "like new" extras on hand (because I never throw anything away)    but I saw some on Amazon for about $1.00.

OPTIONAL:  Clear sheet protectors are about 10 cents each on Amazon.com if you want to use them.  (I LOVE them and use them for everything, so I buy them in bulk at Costco.  Weird, I know.)

Gather some photos or magazine clippings of whatever will be collected in the album... Kitties, airplanes, trains, whatever they love.  (I went through a box of old photos my parents had taken in Montana.)  Take a sheet protector and cut it in to two pieces.  Get rid of the part with the holes.  Use double-stick tape to place the pictures on one of the sheets and then slide it into the cover. 

You can do the back side too.  (If you don't care about the color of the cover not showing, then tape them to any blank piece of paper and slide it in.)

Make a title page.  Find a picture to use, get some colored paper for a "frame."  Print a sheet of paper with a cool font.  Tape the photo to the colored paper, and the paper to the white page.               

Insert and you're done!

I love my sweet Lauren Girl and I love that sometimes there's time to make a gift. 

photo 5.JPG














Book Review of "Second Forgetting"

May 2010

May 2010

When we realized that my husband, Gary, was having short-term memory problems, and began the process of diagnosing his condition, we hoped it was something curable, like a thyroid imbalance, or B-12 deficiency.  As the many tests eliminated the more “hopeful” possibilities, there was a recurring and frightful thought.  “I hope it’s not Alzheimer’s.”  I think more people are afraid of getting dementia, than cancer. 

Why is that?

Our memories define us.   Think how many songs refer to our memories.  We take selfies in front of the Grand Canyon.  Love letters are tucked away in a box.  The idea of forgetting what we have done and who we are is terrifying.  For a Christian, the possibility of forgetting God, and our relationship with Him is unthinkable.

Dr. Benjamin Mast has presented a comforting answer to these fears in his book, Second Forgetting.  As a licensed clinical psychologist and committed Christian, he gives hope for those who are forgetting and those who care for them.  After 8 ½ years of caring for Gary, who is now in advanced stage Early Onset Alzheimer’s Disease, I found this book EXTREMELY helpful. 

"Second Forgetting" by Dr. Benjamin Mast

"Second Forgetting" by Dr. Benjamin Mast

Dr. Mast explains The Second Forgetting as follows:   “We are all imperfect and broken.  We forget the Lord, even in the best of health.  This is what I call the “the second forgetting.” p 18.  Everyone forgets God.  Even believers do.  That is why we need reminders.  Dr. Mast sites the Israelites who forgot God repeatedly yet God never forgot them and kept His promises to them.  This is comforting.

Two chapters are devoted to understanding Alzheimer’s disease and how the brain remembers.  Knowing the various ways to access memories stored away in a person’s brain is really useful in helping those we care for.  The distant past, actions, emotional events are memory systems that are accessible longer than the short-term memories which is one of the first “memory systems” to fail. 

The most helpful part for me personally was the section on the Gospel, who a person is in Christ, and how God interacts with believers, whether their minds are healthy or not.  As Gary is mostly non-communicative now, I have been wondering how his inner man can be renewed, though his body is decaying day by day. (2 Corinthians 4:16-17)  I believe it is true, but wondering HOW.  By working his way through Psalm 139 and Romans 8, Dr. Mast draws out how God intimately cares for His own.  He fully KNOWS us.  He extends GRACE to us.  Nothing can separate us from God.  Not even dementia. 

There are some great practical ideas in this book for all of us.

Help for the “forgetful”

The body of Christ has an important role in serving dementia affected families. Practical tips are given for how to serve.  For instance, “Visit, but be flexible.  Caregiving for someone with advancing dementia can be quite unpredictable.  Something could come up that is out of their control and they may need to cancel.” p 119

Help for caregivers

Biblical encouragement to “press on,” follow Christ’s example of service, and rely heavily on His grace in the exhausting days.  In reality we are serving the Lord Jesus, as we serve our loved one.  “As a caregiver, you can take comfort in the knowledge that you too have a caregiver, one who can surpassingly meet all of your needs.  Christ is our caregiver.” P 90

Helping the loved one…

Remember their faith

“… multisensory stimuli can be used to help them remember.  Smells, sounds, sights can prompt recollection of different parts of a person’s story.  Pictures and music can be particularly helpful…”  p 125

December 2008

December 2008

Remember the Lord

All through scripture God sets up “memorials” so His followers would remember the important things.  Who He is, His promises, His kind and gracious deeds to His own.  We can do the same thing with those we care for.  Old photo albums, talking about the Lord, regularly reading the Bible, listening to hymns, and prayer* are good ways to keep God in the forefront of our minds, and help our loved ones do the same.  New long term memories will not be formed, but moment to moment comfort and sanctification can take place. 

Even now, we can be building into our lives habits that would support our relationship with the Lord if we should forget one day.  Dr. Mast has excellent suggestions on this. He closes with the following thought: 

“It is far more significant that God remembers us than that we remember him.  This speaks to the reality that our salvation, from beginning to end, is by grace.  In Grace God reaches out to rescue us – not the other way around.  Our salvation, ultimately is not up to us.  We cannot save ourselves, and there is comfort in this as a person experiences physical and mental decay.” p 163 

Now that Gary is in advanced stage Alzheimer's, I don't know what he is remembering much less what he thinks, but I do know He is safe in God's hands.  We are past the usefulness of most of the practical suggestions from this book, but they are really good and we have done many of them.  If you are caring for someone like Gary, please get this book.  Find out how you can help your loved one remember the Lord, and be comforted that God remembers them.  

*Note: As with any good resource I’d encourage discernment as you read.  There’s a second-hand example given about a Catholic woman finding peace through praying the rosary.  No doubt a true story, but I wish the author hadn’t used it in a book about how to help Christians remember the Lord. 


As always, your comments are always welcome.  Just click on "comments" below.

To all my Valentines!

February is HERE, and I'm giving you your very special Valentine Gift NOW!  I love all of you so much and am greatly thankful for the care, support and love you always show me.  So, here it is...It's a desktop wallpaper for your computers, just for you! 

"But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13

It's easy to set up and FREE!  The 2-step instructions are right below the pink flowers!


INSTRUCTIONS:1. Click on image to open.2. Right click and select "Set As Desktop Background."

INSTRUCTIONS:

1. Click on image to open.

2. Right click and select "Set As Desktop Background."


Click HERE to visit my shop! 

Watercolor Journal - A Pebble in the Hand

Small actions end up meaning so much later on.  At the time, I didn’t know how much a few little rocks would mean to me.  Yes, they are pretty, and smooth, and remind me of a special place, but now they speak to me in a much deeper way.  Gary and I collected them at Moonstone Beach during our many visits here.  I’m here again.  This time alone since Gary can no longer leave the house.  It’s hard to leave him, even though I know he is well cared for, but I know he’d say… “GO!  Have Fun!”  So here I am. 

 

If interested click HERE for note card and print.

 

Last week, in anticipation of being here, I had the pleasurable experience of painting this exact handful of pebbles. 

 

 

 

 
I stood still for about 20 minutes waiting for this Egret to get this close, and right after this he caught the mouse and took it farther away to dine in private.&nbsp;

I stood still for about 20 minutes waiting for this Egret to get this close, and right after this he caught the mouse and took it farther away to dine in private. 

I’m here to relax, remember, and make some new memories of my own.  Today, in fact, I explored a new area nearby, and saw something new!  An Egret hunting in a grassy field, and catching a MOUSE if you can believe it!.  I’m so happy I got to see 5 of them when on a walk in the Fiscalini Ranch Preserve.  They were too far away for a good photo, but easy to see in person. 

 

 

 

Gary was so good at noticing the unique things.  One time he’d say, “Let’s collect all GREEN pebbles this time.”  Another it was “Collect pebbles that look like jelly beans.”  Anyway, we did, and over the years have accumulated a few jars of smooth, little rocks.  One time I found all the colors of the rainbow and laid them out on Gary’s handkerchief.  He was also good at finding the perfect flat pebble for skipping too.  I marveled at how many skips he could get out of a throw. 

 

 

Why so special?  It was time spent together, marveling at Creation.  God didn’t have to make rocks in various hues, but He did.  He didn’t have to make light with a spectrum of color, but He did.  I’m happy to be here, for the both of us, being able to look at things with fresh eyes, and refreshed for serving again. 

Getting time away for respite looks different for everyone, but Jesus set the example for us long ago.  Let’s all try to find a way to follow in His footsteps. 

“But Jesus Himself would slip away to the wilderness and pray.” Luke 5:16.