Precious Thoughts

Today is the 8th anniversary of Gary’s home-going to heaven. I spent it in Ventura because it’s a place we enjoyed together over the years. I chose this verse to reflect on while there.

“Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His godly ones” from Psalm 116.

So many times, we had walked around the harbor, and out to the point together. It’s different to go alone, but thoughts of the past went with me today. Those thoughts of all kinds are precious, even the not so pleasant ones. I value those years with Gary. I value the love he gave me. I miss how he “buffered” my ups and downs and made things not seem so important. I treasure his leadership in our family. My memories include walking through some harder times too. They are special to me as well for they were a useful tool of the Lord to grow us both closer to Him. Thoughts of Gary are precious to me.

BUT my recollections, though so very special to me, don’t compare to the Lord’s precious thoughts of love toward His beloved children.

“We love because He first loved us.”

1 John 4:19

“They shall not die prematurely; they shall be immortal till their work is done; and when their time shall come to die, then their deaths shall be precious. The Lord watches over their dying beds, smooths their pillows, sustains their hearts, and receives their souls. Those who are redeemed with precious blood are so dear to God that even their deaths are precious to Him.” C.H.Spurgeon, Treasury of David

Looking forward to this…..

Seven Years Ago

In the perfect timing and plan of God, seven years ago today, surrounded by his family, my dear Gary’s soul left his temporary, earthly dwelling behind, took his final breath, and closed his eyes. He awakened in glory with our Lord, and is currently in His presence. We were privileged to see the earthly side of that amazing moment. His heart had been steadily beating since July 19, 1949 until his brain, crowded with the webs and tangles of Alzheimer’s dementia could no longer sustain life.

Over the years and even recently I have been asked why? Why Gary? Why at age 56 should he be stricken with this disease of “old age”? This is a question that many grieving people ask. I know widows that struggle with understanding. I don’t think I have ever questioned God as to the “whys” of our trial, but I do understand being burdened down with the weight of the loss and all the accompanying trials that came with it when it began sixteen years ago. For the nine years of Gary’s illness, I knew not how long it would last. The prospect of what would happen to us, at every new loss was daunting.

There is a simple answer to those “why” questions. We live in a fallen world. Just read Genesis 3 to see why the earth is cursed and dying. If we were in Adam and Eve’s place we would have fallen too. So death entered the world, people get sick and die. Some will be raised up to life in heaven with God in glory, and some to eternal separation from God and torment. I’m so thankful that God provided a solution for my sin in His son, Jesus who came to bear that “death penalty” in my place. I’ve thrown myself on His mercy and with gratitude thanked Him for His perfect life, and complete payment for my sins. I don’t deserve it. No one does. All I need do is entrust myself to His death and resurrection on my behalf.

Instead of asking “Why” I love thinking about what an older widow friend of mine said to me recently. “The way to walk through any trial with peace and joy is by abiding in Christ.” For those of us who trust in Jesus as our savior and Lord, this is what we imperfectly do by God’s grace. Gary’s life here was temporary and had an end but way back in 1971, when the Lord saved him, that’s when his real life began. Pastor John recently said that “our transformation at our salvation is much greater than our transformation when we die.” Our soul is changed from being dead, to being alive.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His great mercy has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to obtain an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for you who are protected by the power of God through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.” 1 Peter 1:3-5

The Lord is continuing to sustain me even though alone and feeling my age a bit more. There is much to do, and my life is really full of opportunities to enjoy and serve. I am reminded of Gary almost daily by random things; a funny comment, a favorite movie, traits of his seen in ourdaughters and grandkids. But his best legacy to me is the love and faith he had in Christ. I know he is enjoying being with the Lord.

God’s Faithful Love

Not knowing today is the anniversary of Gary’s passing, earlier this week, a sweet neighbor gifted me a plumeria plant because she remembered I said Gary loved them. I had forgotten that conversation, but God remembered and prompted her to bless me. God is faithfully taking care of my heart and when I get discouraged or burdened with some of the hard Providences and challenges in my own life or the lives of those I know, He reminds me that He loves me with an everlasting love. This plumeria will be a special reminder of that when it leafs out and blooms.

"A Very, Very, Very Fine House"

Just to set the mood... play this!

Yesterday, when visiting a friend in my old neighborhood, I paused for a couple minutes in front of our old home.  It looks pretty much the same even though it’s been sold again and has new owners.  It’s been almost 8 years since Gary and I stood in front, and said good-bye to the place where we spent our wedding night, brought home our baby girls, and sat around the table with our little grandchildren.  When Gary’s Alzheimer’s progressed to the point where we could no longer maintain our home, we downsized and moved to a condo. 

Last night I dreamed about that home of 34 years.  Crazy… I dreamed that I walked into the back yard and saw that the koi pond was nearly drained and the fish were flopping around, so I called out to Gary, and he came running from the front yard and got the water up to the normal level.  Then I dreamed that the new owner asked me to give a tour and explain the sprinkler system, and how to care for the garden.  I loved seeing Gary and his garden so clearly, even if only a dream.  I take it as a sweet grace from the Lord to remember.

I guess I still grieve the loss of our home a little.  I know for a fact that it was a necessary move, and that no house, no matter how dear, is truly home.  You’ve heard, “Home is where your loved ones are.” Or “Home is where the heart is.” I agree with that but it’s even more than that, because, now in my condo for several years, 2 ½ of them without Gary, I am “home” but even THIS home is temporary.  The eternal “home” that awaits me, where Gary is now, is truly HOME.  Moses said, “O Lord, You have been our dwelling place for all generations.”  (Psalm 90:1) And he said that after wandering the wilderness for 40 years, never having a permanent home. 

Someday, someone will tear down our old house to make a larger one, or fill in the fish pond, or cut down the big Buckeye tree in the front yard.  Owners have every right to do so.  If that should happen, and I'm around to know about it, may it remind me that it was never my real home anyway.  As I sat there on our street, remembering, I thanked God for so many years of His faithfulness to us in that house.  Satisfied, I left, and had a "fantabulous" day (as my friend, Diane, says) with her and my other friend, Lori, as the three of us worked together on Lori's photo albums preserving memories of her own.  Life goes on, and so does Joy, Peace and Love.

1974 - Moving IN

2010 - Moving OUT

Hollow Air

The air was hollow today.

Gary used to announce hollow air at some point every fall when the dry air came.  I’m not sure why he called it hollow, except that it had something to do with how sound travels, like in a tunnel, or through a tube.  In the fall, when there’s less humidity, sound carries better too.  Over the years, when the air was “hollow” it was a fun little thing between Gary and I that was stirred up every year as the hot, muggy, smoggy days were replaced with October’s Santa Ana winds.  I loved his yearly proclamation, “The air is hollow today!”

In our previous home, on hollow-air-days, we could hear the Verdugo Hills High School marching band practice from over two miles away.  In my current home, on a day like today, the distant train does not sound so distant. 

I don’t know about you, but along with autumn's clear air, comes a season for clearer thinking, more structure in my schedule, and renewed energy as I settle into the fall activities.  But in spite of the busyness, I hope to be listening intently for the Lord’s promptings like the less hindered sound waves on a dry day. 

It seems impossible, but this is my third October without Gary.  I miss him so, but today was one of many good days.   Feeling the warm, dry wind today, brought his voice right back to me when I noticed the hollow air. 

“There is an appointed time for everything.  And there is a time for every event under heaven…A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance…He has made everything appropriate in its time.”  Ecclesiastes 3

Goin Home - Part 2 - "Always"

It was a misty morning and we were on a special “assignment.”  We had special instructions, and watched the odometer carefully as we drove.  When we arrived at the spot the special packages which I brought from California, were placed into a backpack.  We looked up the hill and decided we were in the right place so we snapped a family photo.  There was no trail, and being in my 60’s and recovering from bronchitis, I huffed and puffed the 150 feet up the hill, to find the bear paw meadow per my dad’s instructions.  I checked the photos he had given me 30 years ago.  The trees were much smaller then, but the mountains looked the same.  It was a puzzle to solve.  The mission: Find the area my parents described in their wills so we could fulfill their wishes.  Dad and Mom both wrote the same thing, 

“…that my ashes should be scattered in a tiny part of Jackson Hole, Wyoming…I refer to this location as ‘Paul’s Place’ for that is where my son, Paul had requested his own ashes be placed, and where thy do indeed rest.  Erect no marker or locator where my ashes lay for the natural flora and fauna will do just that.” 

This was a precious time for us in that bear paw meadow, facing the Teton range, as we laid beloved parents, grandparents and great-grandparents to rest.  Ryan read Psalm 23, and Jon thanked God for their lives.  They passed away in 2014, so it felt really good and satisfying to bring their bodies “HOME” to the place they loved so much. 

Goin' Home

Home.  What is home really, anyway?  For me, home is where my loved ones are, or were, or the places that hold sweet memories.  Going back to a childhood home or vacation spot, teaches that these places are not really home.  Recreating an experience from the past is not possible.  You can’t really ‘go back.’  Things change, loved ones go, and time marches on.  But this is not sad.  Home is not really here in this world. 

Our Dwelling Place

In Psalm 90, Moses called the Lord "our dwelling place in all generations." 

Moses and the Israelites wandered around in the wilderness for 40 years.  They pitched their tents and packed them up over and over.  That generation never had a permanent home.   Moses said “Lord, You have been our dwelling place…”

Home Sweet Home

Because of Gary's illness, we had to downsize, leaving our beloved home where we thought we'd spend the rest of our lives.  It was sad, but good for us.  We were forced to cling to God instead of a place and lived in the love of our Savior who loves completely and unconditionally.  He helped us face the very scary unknowns of the future with courage rather than fear.  The most important "comforts of home" went with us, because Jesus lives in Gary and I.  Jesus said, "I will never leave you or forsake you."  He meant it.  For a Christian, "true" home is a person, not a place.   It's Jesus Christ, who loved me first.  "We love Him because He first loved us."  He paid the penalty for my sins, dying on the cross, and made me one of his own children, while I was His enemy.  Then He went rose again, and went to Heaven where He has building a home for me and Gary is already there! 

“In My Father’s house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you. “If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself, that where I am, there you may be also."  John 14:2-3

Someday my family will take my ashes to the Central Coast, per my wishes.  What’s left of my body will be “home” in the same place as Gary’s.  But we will not be there.  Not really.  We will be at home with the Lord, in heaven, because home is where God is.  The days go by so quickly.  Before you know it, you're within the waning years of your life.  Moses had such a wonderful perspective as he prayed.  May we value the days as Moses did, and look to God for His favor, in light of what we truly deserve. 

Psalm 90 - a Prayer of Moses

Lord, You have been our dwelling place in all generations.
Before the mountains were born
Or You gave birth to the earth and the world,
Even from everlasting to everlasting, You are God.

You turn man back into dust
And say, “Return, O children of men.”
For a thousand years in Your sight
Are like yesterday when it passes by,
Or as a watch in the night.
 

You have swept them away like a flood, they fall asleep;
In the morning they are like grass which sprouts anew.
In the morning it flourishes and sprouts anew;
Toward evening it fades and withers away.

My last post was filled with sweet memories, formed over many decades, and new experiences too as our family “road tripped” to the ‘Wild West.”  Click here, to read Part 1. 

For we have been consumed by Your anger
And by Your wrath we have been dismayed.
You have placed our iniquities before You,
Our secret sins in the light of Your presence.
For all our days have declined in Your fury;
We have finished our years like a sigh.
As for the days of our life, they contain seventy years,
Or if due to strength, eighty years,
Yet their pride is but labor and sorrow;
For soon it is gone and we fly away.
Who understands the power of Your anger
And Your fury, according to the fear that is due You?
So teach us to number our days,
That we may present to You a heart of wisdom.

Do return, O Lord; how long will it be?
And be sorry for Your servants.
O satisfy us in the morning with Your loving kindness,
That we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.
Make us glad according to the days You have afflicted us,
And the years we have seen evil.
Let Your work appear to Your servants
And Your majesty to their children.
Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us;
And confirm for us the work of our hands;
Yes, confirm the work of our hands.